What I Learned from my 70 year old Grandma about Love, Home Life, and Sex

                    

As a psych undergraduate student I was asked to interview an elderly person for a developmental psychology paper. The point of the assignment was to discuss each part of an elderly person’s life (e.g. cognitive, physical and social domains) at each stage of the lifespan in a retroperspective and reflective way.

 

The lady I picked to interview was my 70 year old Grandma. She had fabulous style and took great pride in the way she looked until the day she passed away. People liked her and found her to be relatable. These are attributes she definitely passed down to her children and grandchildren. She understood and demonstrated an understanding of love that most do not today. Not the quick and easy kind, but the kind of love that you commit to and see it through until your last day on earth even when it’s hard. The committal type of love. She faithfully loved her husband even when he became her ex-husband. She was a devoted mother and faithfully reared ten children even on days when it was pure chaos and she was completely exhausted.  

 

During the interview we talked through each chronological age and stage of life. Eventually we got to the part where she was asked to reflect on her marriage, children and overall satisfaction with personal relationships over her lifespan. She recalled marrying at a younger age in love and adoring her husband. The wedding took place in the Catholic Church and she agreed to submit to his Church’s teachings on how to live life. They started out as newlyweds and honeymooned in the guestroom of her mother-in-law’s place. Not an ideal way to start out, but they continued on in love. Grandma commented that he was a mama’s boy and needed to learn how to cling to his wife instead of his mom. Soon after the honeymoon, she and Grandpa had draw some boundary lines with his mom so they could start living life together as husband and wife, and he could learn to truly be an independent man. Later in life, they made sure his mother was well taken care in old age and made a point of visiting her as often as they could.

 

This Grandma and her young husband didn’t have much especially starting out, but made the most of what they did have. They led a great life demonstrating contentment and trying to see things in a positive light. Grandma carried ten children in her womb and then lovingly rearing them into adulthood. She considered her kids her pride and joy, and her life’s greatest accomplishment. She also enjoyed seeing her husband in the father role and the attention he paid to his children. Hunting with the boys and Western movies and talks with his girls.

He worked hard to provide the family with special live Christmas trees each year, carried on his German tradition of the Christmas village and train, and delighted in seeing their children open gifts on Christmas morning.

 

When their kids were older he would make pieces of wood furniture for his kids and engraved a special message into it. Or he would design and help install a beautiful landscape just for them. It was the meaningful and thoughtful gifts he would make out of love for his kids that he will always be remembered for. He also gave his family the best gift of all, his time. Family picnics brought everyone together. He had a gentle spirit and was a natural at nurturing his children. Patient, kind and loving- those were the attributes she had adored about him.

 

At times things were hard for the family because of the seasonal nature of his job. He was a skilled bricklayer and woodworker/craftsman, and that meant not always having consistent work especially in the harsh winter months. Together they taught their children how to grow fruit trees and vegetables in the garden, and how to properly can it for the winter months. Each of the kids had responsibilities around the home, that’s how they started out learning about having a strong work ethic. That seemed like a value that was important to them as a couple to instill into their children.

 

As the kids were getting older, some of them of getting married and the others still in middle or high school, things started to get really stressful for this couple! For Grandma it was also a time when menopause began, and she experienced some pretty wicked mood swings. A little self-awareness would have been helpful here. The financial stressors on Grandpa were picking up at that time too. They as a couple were caught in middle adulthood. Bodies were changing, beginning to ache or maybe not work as well. They were also trying to get the last of their kids and teenagers to turn into and act like adults, which is not always easy work! It was a time of a lot of fighting between Grandma and Grandpa. No one told them that marital satisfaction tends to be shaped like a horseshoe (U). Things start out great, dip down a bit, but eventually they go back up. Things tend to feel easier once all your kids are independent. Yes, hold on to each other!  

 

Unfortunately forty years in, the romantic love began to fizzle, and he decided it was time for a new lady and not coming home all the time. He had taken up a mistress when life’s stressors mounted and the new women helped ease some of the troubles he was feeling. The new women eased some of his troubles, but also introduced a new slew of problems for he and his wife and his kids. He and his mistress together wrecked the marriage he was in at the time, and destroyed the home life for his children temporarily. Maybe thinking through how his choices would impact not only himself, but also his wife and his family would have been the better decision.

 

The oldest kids in the family were happy to be getting married, moving out and in with their own spouses. Being able to avoid the home that was shattering and the constant battleground. The younger ones also felt the stress of a marriage ending, but were kind of stuck. It was hard on all of their children, being stuck in the middle of their quarreling parents. Quite a heavy load to put on younger hearts and minds.  

 

Grandmother was angered by the Catholic church for allowing their marriage to be annulled. She grew up a Southern Baptist from Kentucky and to her, marriage and her vows meant something. “You can’t just say a marriage never existed after ten kids and that many years together,” she would remark. She recalls converting to “Catholicism” in order to marry into her husband’s family, and later getting “burned” by his Church. I sensed some animosity toward the Catholic church and maybe even a little regret in giving up some of her baptist roots for this man she had married. The Catholic church’s emphasis on the virgin mother, and the special place she held in the church were important she would say. The motherly figure being exalted and adored was the only thing she ever really liked about that church, and midnight mass at Christmas. At the time her Southern Baptist upbringing taught her to be submissive to her husband and to kind of keep her opinions to herself. I’d like to think that Grandpa helped change that in her a bit, he liked an opinionated woman. She would teach him some things she had learned about coming from the Baptist church.   

 

Later in life her ex-husband would say it didn’t matter which Church you were involved in as long as Jesus’s teachings and the Gospel message were being taught. Some of her church values appeared to have rubbed off on him. I like to view it as a beautiful blend of the two Christian faiths. These two seemed to talk about spiritual matters and it impacted the way they tried to live. Biblical principles were the foundation starting out in their marriage, children were a blessing, and family life was central to a happy and full life.

 

But then she would bring up how ending their marriage was the easiest option for her now ex-husband. It sounded like she would have wanted to stay in their marriage if she had any choice in the matter. He was the quitter, threw in the towel and abandoned his wife and family when things got tough. The younger mistress was perceived as more fun, loving and had more energy for his sexual appetite.

 

You could tell by listening that she hadn’t gotten past the failed marriage. Her fault in the marriage she said was that she was a little “high maintenance” and wanted her husband to lavish her in expensive gifts. To him that was probably very unrealistic given the fact that together they decided on having a big family, and that meant money went toward feeding them, supplying them with clothing, food, school materials, and paying a mortgage.  Maybe if they had sat down together as husband and wife to create a life vision and financial plan to begin with, reviewed finances, made decisions together, and set aside discretionary spending so she could buy a new purse once a year at Christmas or that expensive sweater that could have helped them out.

 

Maybe if he would have seeked wise counsel, one of his brothers would have told him to stop complaining, and to see things from his wife’s perspective, she is probably feeling some stress too. If one of his brothers would have guided him and talked to him about how marriages hit rough patches at times, and that’s okay because you work through some things. Or that marriage was supposed to be this long term and forever commitment of making each other better people, but you’ve got to stick it out in order to have it work. But that didn’t happen.

 

So after the annulment this Grandma went back to work full time because she needed to support herself. She was one of the hardest working salespersons, and the # 1 sales person of Vitamix machines for a number of years in a row. Healthy competition was a trait she instilled in her family. You don’t need to backstab, talk bad about, or tear down your competitors, just excel at what you do she would say. She took great pride in her sales accolades and it was probably great for her self-esteem after the annulment. This older, newly singled woman had great relationships with her co-workers, her life was full again and she had work to focus on instead of the dissolved marriage.

 

Reflecting together Grandma stated that she would always love her now ex-husband of over forty years. It was a love that would never fade. She had other men that were definitely interested in a romantic relationship later in life and tried to pursue her, but she wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Grandma would say she married once and those forty years were enough for her to last a lifetime. The vows she took meant something to her even if they didn’t to him. Her ex-husband played a big part in giving her, her life’s most precious gifts (their ten children), they were a husband and wife for over 40 years, and for that she would always be grateful.

 

Then after the emotions of going through the annulment wore off, she seemed to demonstrate how to be respectful of the position he still held in the family as her children’s father. That was a pretty wise move on her part. It took some time getting there, but she knew her kids still needed their dad and they needed the two of them to be amicable. They saw their children equally, but separately. The big family still got together, but at different times with each parent. He seemed to show respect toward her too later on and the position she held as their mother.

 

She felt that the stress of raising ten kids and the financial stressors that went along with it, is what eventually tore their marriage apart. I sensed some sadness in her voice as she commented on this. And then with a chuckle she said, “and he never was a very good lover.” Another good coping skill she passed on to her kids. Being able to laugh at things and cope.

 

I can only guess that maybe he was taker and never a giver. Maybe he was a little selfish instead of sacrificial in his love. Maybe he was interested in his own needs being met first instead of second. Or it just could have been he didn’t know what to do to keep the emotional and physical love life alive for her, and he never initiated that conversation. Maybe she was expecting too much from him to keep their love life alive. Her love language was definitely receiving gifts and perhaps he never caught onto this. He needed words of affirmation and physical affection and perhaps she was only willing to give those after her own needs were met, which didn’t really happen. And then there was the nagging! A tactic she used to try to motivate him to work, but it broke him down instead. The nagging was habitual, instead of being a tool used occasionally, and reserved only for when something urgently needs to get done.

 

And maybe if they had someone point out that men can suffer from depression. He wasn’t being lazy, but probably experienced a couple bouts of clinical depression due to not being able to provide as well as he had hoped for his ten kids. Or if there was education on how hormonal changes could impact his wife after birthing children and/or during menopause. Or if she had education on midlife for him and his fears around losing his sexual ability. A man might wonder if it’s wife or him causing him to experience an only mostly stiffy when previously he could get a full hard-on. He still loves her but can’t get a full erection. That’s when it’s okay for him and/or her to looks at those photos of his wife from her twenties/thirties and forties that he intentionally saved all these years. Or if someone had educated them on that sexual intimacy might look different to both him and her at 25 years old compared to 65. And if they could have laughed together about aging bodies and been okay with those changes.

 

Maybe if the societal norm was different for women at that time, and wives were encouraged to go back to work to help out with finances that could have benefited this marriage. I was left feeling a bit saddened seeing the possibilities of what could have happened if someone had only intervened to help this couple out.

 

Grandmother never did elaborate as to what exactly made him a bad lover, but she just encouraged this young interviewer to speak up and take control of her life. Her encouragement to young ladies was to have some form of financial independence, and get the love and life they wanted. Her only two real regrets after 70 years of life: being married to one man for over forty years, but never having an emotionally/sexually satisfying relationship with him, and the second and biggest to her was having a failed marriage that was supposed to last a lifetime. It mattered to her personally but also for the sake of her family.

 

Ten Life Lessons from a 70 year old Grandma:

  1. Plan ahead and know how many children you can have without the cost of rearing them well becoming a financial and relational burden on your marriage. A crumbling marriage (foundation) is no good for the rest of the house structure.
  2. Despite what any church teaches family planning, birth control and/or vasectomies are beneficial. Family planning and financial planning go together and matter to your marriage in a big way!
  3. The Catholic Church should get rid of the annulment process. You can’t say a marriage of over forty years never happened. Technically it made all of their kids bastards. A whole family tribe turned off to the church by one annulment. Many descendants coming from one line not really going to church anymore. If started out in a church setting together as husband and wife, get back to it. We recommend Passion City Church online because it works for our family currently.
  4. Divorce should be a last resort, but if you decide to go there take a lot of time and seek out wise counsel. Wise counsel should always point you back to your marriage vows, taking a time out if it’s needed, and reconciling matters first. Make sure your wise counsel has a male/female perspective and they are invested in you as a married couple and family. No ulterior motives like that friend who is still single or a new divorcee looking for someone to rebound date with. Or that friend of your wife’s whose Dad’s friend is a divorce attorney. Your wise counsel should love you two as a couple, and want to see you succeed as a couple and as family because they love you.
  5. Think of your kids too. How is your decision going to impact them? Is this temporary and just life stressors? Do you want quick and easy or committal love? If you’re going to separate and divorce, be nice. Your kids are watching. They need to see you being respectful to each other.
  6. Ladies, once your kids are in school go back to work even if it’s part-time. Prince charming doesn’t always stick it out to the end. Some form of financial independence is a good thing. #Slay! And even if your Prince continues to be fabulous you can still help work toward some of that discretionary spending increase.
  7. Show your kids how two adults that love each other can argue/disagree in a respectful way, and then find solutions together. You can love someone and not like that at times, but the love [action verb] is what keeps you two together.
  8. Wives, know husbands can experience depression too. Get an understanding of symptoms and how to it presents differently in men. Also, let him know because you love him, you want to see him better. Work with a therapist and/or psychiatrist to set goals and encourage each other on the pathway to wellness.
  9. Get a basic understanding of female anatomy and how hormonal changes may impact your wife. Her hormones can look like bad weather, it is likely to come at fairly predictable times throughout the year. Pay attention and look for warning signs. Know when to seek shelter 🙂
  10. Ladies, speak up in the bedroom if you’re not satisfied. He won’t know unless you tell him what you need or vice versa. Buy a clit vibrator. It’s a guaranteed orgasm each and every time! It’s fabulous for when you are a tired mom with kids in the home. A real time and marriage saver 🙂

Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review

The Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is a great rabbit vibrator on a budget. Our friends at Carvaka Sex Toys were nice enough to send us one for review, and we enjoyed the experience. It’s not the most amazing vibrator, but it’s pretty great without spending $100. Let’s take a look at the vibration, size, and shape of this nice rabbit vibrator.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator – Vibration Strength and Patterns

This vibrator has more features than our recently reviewed Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator.  It has a similar patterns, but the big improvements (besides the nicer size and shape, which we’ll get to later) are the three vibration strengths.  Check out the video below.  Again, just like the Mini Rabbit, there are only two control buttons – one for power and the other to circulate through the vibration modes.  The first three vibration modes are the power settings – low, medium, and high.  You have to go through these intensity settings to get to the vibration patterns.

Note the ears vibrating.  These are pretty wonderful.  Really.  They’re about 3/4 of an inch long also, which helps to “straddle” the clitoris and provide stimulation on both sides.  They’re not super limp ears also like the “jelly” rabbit vibrators, so they provide a good amount of stimulation to the clitoris.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 3

The patterns on this vibrator are pretty decent, though we’ve never been a huge fan of variable vibration.  Just listen to it on high though – it’s pretty buzzy, but the vibration is pretty great.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 4

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator – Size and shape

As we already pointed out, the ears on the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator are pretty great.  Because they are about 3/4 of an inch long, and there’s a bit of an overhang also before the arm, you get stimulation directly on top of the sensitive clitoris center, as well as the sides.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 1You’ll also see from the pictures that the shape differs pretty significantly from the Lelo Mona 2 g-spot vibrator.  We have started taking pictures to compare size and shape to the Lelo Mona 2 there’s a common size reference point.  You’ll see that the insertable length is about the same as the Mona, maybe a little shorter.

 

 

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 5

 

Also, the inserted tip is significantly smaller, so it goes in easier than the Mona, but it’s not as full feeling inside.  However, the neck of the Mona 2 tapers quite a bit, so while it’s inside, you don’t get the fuller stretching feeling at the vaginal opening that you get from the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator.

 

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 2The insertable side also has a wave to it that’s pretty obvious to see from the pictures.  But what’s not as easy to tell is that on the top there are some small gentle ridges going lengthwise.  The ridges are pretty nice since they give some texture to the sex toy, but they’re not a major feature.

 

Overall Impression of the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator

Overall, the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is a pretty wonderful rabbit vibrator for those who are on a budget.  You don’t need to spend $100 for a rabbit vibrator that will give you leg clenching orgasms on the inside and out.  Though you’ll need to keep some AAA batteries on hand, this rabbit vibrator is a great choice, especially if you’re looking for your first rabbit vibrator.

Where to buy the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator

If you want to buy straight from the manufacturer, the Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator product page is here.  We haven’t seen it listed on Amazon, though if it is listed, we’ll post the link below.  Enjoy your new sex toy!

Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review

The Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is a pretty good mini vibrator.  Our friends at Carvaka Sex Toys were nice enough to send us one for review!  It’s much better than the first vibrator we used – the infamous Butterfly Kiss.  If you have used vibrators before, especially rabbit vibrators, you probably won’t be impressed by this one.  But if you’re new to vibrators, especially g-spot vibrators or rabbit vibrators, this one is not intimidating at all and might be a great, inexpensive one to start with.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator – Vibration Intensity and Patterns

Check out the video below to see the vibration modes and intensity.  The vibrator is pretty simple.  It has two buttons.  One for the power, and the other to switch between the vibration modes.  As you’ll see in the video, the the vibrator is either on or off.  There is no changing the intensity level, which is kind of a bummer.

The first change in vibration mode is to switch off the vibrator in the insertable head, only leaving the clitoral vibrator going.  Then push the button again and only the head vibrates.  Then pushing the mode button again switches them both on but starts the patterns.  The patterns are actually more enjoyable in this vibrator than others we have used, and I was happy that there were only a couple modes to choose from.

You can see the control buttons in the image below.  Also, note that this is powered by two AAA batteries.  Also kind of a bummer since you always need to make sure you have batteries on hand in case they start to wear out in the middle of a session.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 1

 

 

 

 

 

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review – Size and Shape

The Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is pretty small.  That can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what you’re going for.  We have started to compare our vibrators in size and shape compared to the Lelo Mona 2.  The Mona 2 is a pretty wonderfully sized g-spot vibrator (and a wonderful vibrator in general), so this gives you a standard size comparison.  You can see that the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is quite a bit smaller than the Lelo Mona 2.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 3

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 4

 

 

 

 

 

However, it does have a nice little curve on the end that hits your g-spot nicely.  Many ladies’ g-spots aren’t buried deep inside – typically only 2 or 3 inches in – so the size here works out pretty well, though it’s not going to give a very filling feeding internally.

Because of the shape of the clitoral ear though, if you want to maintain feeling on the clitoris, there’s going to be minimal thrusting with the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator.  If you pull out only slightly, you’ll lose the clitoral stimulation because there aren’t the “ears” of other rabbit vibrators, such as the Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator, which we also reviewed here on Women and Sexuality.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 2

Overall impression of the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator

Though this vibrator isn’t the most impressive as far as power or size, it is a pretty good, inexpensive vibrator.  If you are new to vibrators and are just looking for something to spruce up your sex life on a budget, this vibrator isn’t a bad choice.  If you have used vibrators before though, you probably won’t be overly impressed with this one.  For those of you who have used g-spot vibrators and are looking for your first rabbit vibrator – also on a budget – the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is probably a better choice for you.

Where to get the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator

If you’re interested in buying this toy, and want to buy straight from the manufacturer, here’s the Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator product page

If you would prefer to buy from Amazon, here’s the link to the Amazon page:

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship?

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship?

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship? We’re here to help!

A lot of people report living their entire lives NEVER reaching their full potential in the arena of sexual arousal/pleasure. Maybe you and your partner take different pathways to arousal (and never communicate this difference), you get stuck in old patterns that lose their arousal response after a while (because you’ve become habituated to the stimulus), and/or you grew up learning that sex was a word that had a real negative connotation to it.

If you need to transform your sex life here are some words of wisdom to help you along:

  • Remember, sex is a sacred act between spouses. It was intended for good!
  • Set mutually established sensual or sexual goals for your relationship.
  • Make time for sex. Put it on the calendar. View these appointments as a sacred commitment between you and your spouse.
  • Realize you are your own expert when it comes to YOUR sexual arousal and desire. You are the teacher here!
  • Establish a safe way to talk about sex. When your spouse is being vulnerable, be careful with your response. Try to talk about positives first and communicate what you NEED from your spouse, instead of what your spouse is doing wrong.
  • Accept and honor differences between the two of you. You’re not going to agree on everything. Always find the middle ground.
  • Many individuals report not feeling like having sex until they are already having sex. Sometimes it feels like going to the gym. You don’t want to but once you get there, you’re glad you went. Just get things started!
  • If you get stuck in old patterns, it’s okay to ask for a novel experience to try out together.
  • Introducing sexual stimulation tools doesn’t have to be weird/dirty/kinky. Think of sexual stimulation tools,  like your kitchen equipment. No, you don’t NEED that food processor, but it sure does get the job done in half the time. Or that pasta maker with a different attachments, it gets you a variety of meal options to choose from.  

Why Use a Butt Plug??

Why Use a Butt Plug??

This article is intended to introduce one type of sex toy that may significantly enhance your sex life: the butt plug. We realize this product needs a better name if it’s to appeal to women. Butt + Plug does not equate to romantic sexy time in my mind. The anus is not a flat tire that needs a plug in it! Unlike a tire losing air and in need of a plug, poop is supposed to flow out of the anus, not be kept in with a plug! The marketing and design are all wrong for this product. But we digress… So far on Women and Sexuality, we have steered clear of the butt.  Until now, we just had not found the right anal play resources, products, and guidance to provide.  However, as ladies and couples become more interested in expanding their sex live, providing guidance on the butt and how to safely use a butt plug and other anal products is important.

There is a clear interest in the anal region for legitimate reasons, so let’s explore the reasons from a nonjudgmental mind here.  The anus and other internal areas can provide a significant amount of sexual pleasure. The anus is an erogenous zone. For some reason your anus was designed with the functionality of sexual stimulation when explored carefully and with caution. However, you should not just jump right to having anal sex or you will likely never try it again (based on what we’ve heard).  You need to have some practice and do some preparation first and also determine if you even enjoy it. Let’s explore it responsibly and bring some spice to our sexual relationships.

A good way to practice is to first try out using a small butt plug (Did we mention we hate this description?).  Butt plugs will also help you understand whether or not you enjoy the feeling of anal stimulation.

How do I use a butt plug?

how to use a butt plug - pink plugBut what are butt plugs, who uses them, and why!?  The butt plug, as the name suggests is a sex toy that is inserted anally.  Both men and women use butt plugs alike! They come in a range of shapes and sizes but all should have a flared base or arms at the base to prevent the toy from being lost up the rectal passage.  Yes that can happen! Always be careful when using any anal equipment!

This sexual stimulation tool, once inserted, in and of itself won’t create much by the way of stimulation unless it is a vibrating butt plug. Vibrating butt plugs can deliver a thoroughly enjoyable stimulation.  This is true particularly for men because they massage their P-spots (the prostate gland) as they vibrate. For women, they place pressure against the back vaginal wall and so make the space in the vagina less expansive.  This can make vaginal penetration more pleasurable both for the woman and the man penetrating her as the vagina feels tighter. The real value of a butt plug is felt on climaxing as orgasming with a butt plug inserted heightens the strength of the orgasm.  For this reason, butt plugs can be enjoyed by men and women, solo or as a couple.

 

Why are butt plugs used? An illustrative video

Below is a great informational video that our friends at Carvaka Sex Toys produced.  It provides a good amount of information about what butt plugs are, why people use them, how to use a butt plug, and how they help heighten the sexual experience. It is also important to us here at Women and Sexuality that any images or video on the site do not have any graphic images. Thankfully, the video below only uses illustrations! Thanks again to Carvaka for producing the video. We hope you find it as interesting and helpful as we did!

 

If a poop covered plug is not something your significant other is interested in, please be cool with that.  He/She may have no desire for a close-up on his/her spouse’s anus and/or easily grossed out by bodily fluids. This sexual stimulation tool is not for everyone.

Remember, good relationships and a good sex life is about good communication and respecting each other’s boundaries.

What butt plug should I get?

Okay, we’re interested. What’s a good one for beginners? Here are a couple that we would recommend, from manufacturers we trust. Don’t just get the least expensive plug out there on Amazon!

Is Coconut Oil Safe for your Vagina?

Is coconut oil safe for your vagina?

We’ve heard many things about using coconut oil as lube over the last couple of years.  The coconut oil lube conversation really blew up when two threads it caught a lot of traction on Reddit  (this one and this one).  We’ve even written an article about why coconut oil is the best lube for both massage and sex.  But I wanted to write another article for those who wanted to explore specifically whether or not coconut oil is safe for your vagina.

coconut oil safe vagina 1Also, there is another purpose for this article.  It’s not good enough to know that coconut oil is safe for your vagina, but we should be excited about using it!  That’s why the latter section of this article will explore the advantages and wonderful possibilities of using coconut oil on a regular basis.

1. Is coconut oil safe?

For this question, I’ve decided to take a survey of all the literature available on the subject, plus augment it with personal experience.  For starters, I have used coconut oil on a regular basis for many things.  It is wonderful as a skin moisturizer.  Especially in the winter, my skin gets really dry.  I had been using several expensive lotions such as the thicker Eucerin variants and others.  They didn’t seem to be working all that well.  So I had heard that coconut oil was a great moisturizer, and decided to give it a try.  I would use it all over my body and then apply a smaller amount of the thicker lotion on top.  This really seemed to work wonders and I have never had an adverse reaction.

Also, my husband and I had started to use coconut oil as both massage oil and sex lube.  It’s amazing for both.  There are several products marketed as massage oils that mix several types of natural oils.  We have tried these also and not been impressed.  The simple coconut oil was better and much less expensive than all of these.  The ability to use the same thing for a wonderful massage and not have to switch to something else when starting to have sex is really wonderful.

2. What do the professionals say?

Unfortunately, there are no studies about coconut oil use on vaginas out there in the medical journals that are peer reviewed and published by professional researchers.  Apparently there’s just not as much money in sex product research for some reason.  So we need to resort to more anecdotal information from various sources:

  1. Huffingtom Post writer, Pamela Madsen, writes here that you should use coconut oil on a regular basis on your whole vulva.  After wiping when you go to the bathroom, use a bit of coconut oil to soften up and moisturize your outer and inner labia.  Wonderful advice here, Pamela!  I’ve started doing this and I have noticed a significant difference.  I used to have some dry areas where I wipe regularly, but since using it at least once daily – no more!
  2. Women’s Health quotes Jennifer Landa, M.D., Chief Medical Officer of BodyLogicMD as saying that coconut oil is great for your vagina, it can help with yeast infections, and it lasts longer than water-based lubes.  If you’re not allergic, go for it.  Just not with a latex condom.  The oil could make the condom more likely to break.
  3. SELF quoted two doctors here. First, “Lubricant can be medicinal, but it can also be pleasure-enhancing,” Alyssa Dweck, M.D., assistant clinical professor of obstetrics at Mount Sinai School of Medicine.  Also, “I’m a big fan of coconut oil as a lubricant for women,” says ob/gyn Sherry Ross, M.D.  “I probably recommend it more in menopausal women because it has staying power in the vagina, which is good for dryness.”
  4. From Natural News, “Coconut oil is the best oil to use if you opt to use one vaginally and it is actually a great way to treat yeast infections as it contains caprylic acid. Specifically, it has been shown to be quite effective in combating Candida strains.”  Most of this article is spent saying that if you’re going to use an oil lube, go with coconut oil, but otherwise they recommend water-based lubes such as Astroglide, which we also enjoy occasionally.  The issue with Astroglide is it’s not good for body massage and it is more expensive in larger amounts than coconut oil.
  5. From this post on Bustle.com, Dr. Raquel Dardik, Associate Professor Gynecology at NYU Langone Medical Center was quoted as saying that you should not use tea tree oil on your vagina because it does not have a neutral pH level, unlike coconut oil.  This isn’t a solid thumbs up for coconut oil, but it’s more of a “well if you’re going to use any type of oil, make sure it has a neutral pH.”

That’s all we’ll quote for now, but as you can see, the professionals so far are mostly on board as saying that coconut oil is safe for your vagina or even beneficial.  We haven’t found any actual evidence of any adverse affects.  All of the stories and testimony so far is that it is wonderful for your sexual health.

So Why use it?

coconut oil safe vagina 2Well, as we alluded to above, one key usage of coconut oil is as an external moisturizer for your whole vulva.  Rubbing it all around your inner and outer lips, clitoris, and surrounding areas is pretty wonderful.  It helps to moisturize your lady parts in a way that I would not ever trust a lotion.  Also, who doesn’t like to have a little mid-day self massage, even if it’s not intended to take to a climax?

We’ve already talked about the obvious uses where coconut oil helps with a great relaxing massage.  It can also be used for internal lubrication.  But have you considered coconut oil for a penis massage?  All of this conversation so far has been using coconut oil for your vagina.  It’s also wonderful and safe for massaging on a penis.  A dry “hand job” is one thing, but a lubricated penis massage takes it to a whole new level!

Finally, if you’re anticipating that you might get lucky later, doing a little pre-lubrication earlier in the day or on a consistent basis helps make sure you’re ready for the big event!

Which one should I buy?

Only buy the “virgin” or “extra virgin” coconut oil.  Do not buy the fractionated versions, even though these stay a liquid at room temperature.  The fractionated version is generally thought to be not as safe as the virgin.  Here are the two that we have purchased a few times from Amazon with no adverse effects.  I have been refilling the smaller bottles with the larger one.

Questions To Ask Before Having Sex

Questions To Ask Before Having Sex

Ladies, your sexual history and your guys sex history are de gran importancia. Below we’ll give you questions to ask before having sex.

STI’s are real! Can you remember back to when you were in 7th grade health class and your health educator shared the STI slideshow? Back then that may have been enough to stop you from engaging in sexual activity, but unfortunately, some where along the way people go against common sense and engage with sexual activity with a partner or many partners without asking some important questions first.

Here will give you a guide of questions to ask:

You might start off by talking about how you care about your partner and because of that you want to be honest with him and you expect him to be honest with you. You also might mention that you feel you’re both mature enough to discuss this topic and you don’t intend to judge him with this information, but rather its to protect each other. It might be awkward at first, but it’s really better in the long run so…

  1. Are you a virgin?
  2. What sexual activity have you engaged in? Sexual intercourse? Oral sex?
  3. Have you come in contact with someone else’s genitals?
  4. How many partners have you had?
  5. Do you know how many partners you’re partners have had?
  6. Do you know if any of your partners had any sexually transmitted diseases?
  7. Are you aware of having any symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases?
  8. Has there ever been a time when you’ve passed out from drinking and suspect you may have engaged in sexual activity? Please watch your alcohol consumption, it’s for your safety!
  9. Did you use a condom every time you engaged in sexual intercourse?
  10. How did you protect yourself from transmission of STIs during oral sex?
  11. How long were you in each relationship before engaging in sexual activity?
  12. What commitment level are you expecting from me before we engage in sexual activity?

This list is not exhaustive, but should help you along with the conversation. We sure hope you put thought into your relationship, feel safe enough to disclose this information with your partner, and consider the consequences if either of you are not completely honest with one another. Hopefully, your partner is being honest, but the only way to know with 100% certainty is by getting medical test results.

Health officials decided to rename sexually transmitted diseases to sexually transmitted infections because many sexually transmitted infections are lifelong, meaning there are no known cure for them. Luckily symptoms can be managed with proper care. Below we’ll share the most common STIs and a link to the Mayo Clinic for additional information. If you haven’t been sexually active with anyone and have remained abstinent then that’s great news! On the other hand, if you’ve had even one sexual partner we would recommend asking for STI testing for yourself and for your future partner.

Now, we’ll provide links for each common STIs.

HPV

Genital Herpes 

Chlamydia

Gonorrhea

HIV/AIDS 

Syphilis

 

“Help! My Husband Can Be Insensitive, But I Don’t Think He Means To Be.”

“Help! My Husband Can Be Insensitive, But I Don’t Think He Means To Be.”

Girl, I know what you mean when you say your husband can be insensitive at times. This is not an uncommon complaint I hear from wives from time to time.

Please let me give you an example of an insensitive comment and how one wife responded.

Husband soon after he and his wife were first married, and we’re having fun exploring each other until he said this:

Husband: “Your nipples are much larger than I had anticipated…”

Wife: In her head thinks, “How am I suppose to take that?” and then verbalizes to her husband, “Okay, I feel like the mood is ruined now.”

Husband: “What did I just do?”

Wife: “You said there was something wrong with my nipples.”

Husband: “No, I didn’t.”

Wife: “Yes, you did. You said my nipples were bigger than you had anticipated, which to me, implies there’s something wrong with them and me!”

Husband: “That’s not saying there’s anything wrong with them or you!”

Wife: “That’s how I took it. That comment hurt my feelings and made me feel a little insecure.” (Wife being awesome gives her new husband the benefit of doubt, and allows him to remove the foot from his mouth). “So what did you mean then?”

Husband: “I’m sorry that hurt your feelings. That’s not what I meant. I love your nipples, breasts and you!”

This is what we would call a BIG miscommunication between the sexes. What one spouse meant to communicate didn’t translate to other person in the way it was intended. This example could have led to unintentional hurt feelings, and a bit of strife in the relationship; but thanks to some assertive communication, and giving her spouse the benefit of doubt, it didn’t.

The Mayo Clinic gives a great definition of what assertive communication is. Assertive communication is “when you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the points of view and beliefs of others.”  Assertive communication is always direct AND always respectful. It’s not just what you say, but also the tone in how you say it. 

So in the above illustration of the husband making an insensitive comment, the wife used assertive communication to share how his comment made her feel. She didn’t call him a name or lash out at him out of hurt feelings, but instead she labeled how that comment made her feel. She communicated to her husband how she had interpreted his comment, and then followed up with a question clarify what he meant and what the intent was behind his comment.

In summary, it wouldn’t hurt to practice using this form of communication with anyone who may be insensitive at times. Here are some examples of additional questions you can ask using “I-statements” or “labeling the behavior”, that will help with clarification.

  1. I felt _____ when you made this comment _____.
  2. I took what you had said this way, is that how you had intended it?
  3. I felt that behavior was _____, and it made me feel ____. Can you help me understand better what you were trying to say?

Also, it wouldn’t hurt to try giving your spouse (or other people) the benefit of doubt more often. Most people don’t intend to be jerks, and most people have had times were they haven’t communicated an idea or comment with eloquence. Remember, ask for a clarifying response when necessary.


IUD Over Birth Control Pills? Why It’s a Better Option

IUD Over Birth Control Pills? Why It’s a Better Option

According to an article posted in NPR, the use of IUD’s have increased over the past decade, compared to the use of birth control. Here we’ll summarize why they work in order to help with your understanding of the options you have in family planning and contraceptives.

11.6% of women are using either implanted contraceptive or an intrauterine device today– NPR

How IUD’s or Implanted Contraceptives Work: 

  1. There are two forms. One is made with copper and the other form is made solely from plastic and releases progestin.
  2. The implanted contraceptive is made from plastic and works by releasing progestin. There is a little device implanted into the women’s skin, usually in her arm, which releases the progestin through a small little tube. The same inserted implant can be used for up to three years.
  3.  The copper option is implanted into a women’s uterus and releases copper, instead of hormones! This option is greater than 99% effective in preventing pregnancy. The copper IUD can stay implanted in your uterus for 3 to 12 years, preventing pregnancy that entire time.
  4. Both options are reversible and can be stopped at any time.

Why We’re Seeing An Increase: 

  1. Women are busier today and more on the go than they used to be. This is a great option for keeping a packed schedule without needing to remember to take the pill, every day at about the same time of day, each day.
  2. More healthcare physicians are being trained on how to insert and implant these devices. They’re also better equipped to share information on both forms’ effectiveness in preventing pregnancy.
  3. Both forms are required to be covered by health insurance plans. Check your plan to see if having one of these options, either inserted or implanted, is considered a preventive service, in which case it may be completely free if it’s done by an in-network provider

Ladies, please take this information to your healthcare provider. I definitely will as well. We’ve got two amazing kids and we think we’ll complete our family with a puppy in a year or two. Personally, I like the sound of the copper IUD compared to using a hormone releasing birth control pill or the more expensive use of condoms for our family planning purposes..

Health Benefits of Sex (In Case You Need More Motivation)…

Health Benefits of Sex (In Case You Need More Motivation)…

 

A great article was published in Women’s Health about The Hidden Benefits of Sex. Here we’ll summarize the benefits.

  1. Less Stress. Endorphins and oxytocin are released during sex. What this means for you is that these feel good chemicals talk to the pleasure centers in your brain, which then send a “Hey I’m feeling connected to this person” or “I’m in a lovey dovey mood mood now” message to your body, and also “Ah! Finally body, you can relax now.” These messages being sent out on a weekly basis can help you fight off anxiety and depression.
  2. Sound Sleep. According to Dr. Meston, Ph.D., Director of Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory at University of Texas at Austin, during orgasm, the hormone prolactin is released.  “Prolactin levels are naturally higher when we sleep, which suggests a strong relationship between the two [orgasm and high levels of prolactin],” she says. This finding suggests that sex before bed could be a great natural sleep aide. It’s worth trying out 🙂
  3. Minimized Pain. The Women’s Health article cited a study conducted at the Headache Clinic at Southern Illinois University, which found half of female migraine sufferers reported relief after climaxing. “The endorphins that are released during an orgasm closely resemble morphine, and they effectively relieve pain,” says Meston. For those of you that are into science, you may want to test out this hypothesis, and see if you get similar results 🙂
  4. Youthful Appearance. “Regular sex allows for the release of hormones, including testosterone and estrogen, which can keep the body looking young and vital; estrogen has also been shown to promote soft skin and shiny hair,” says Meston. Not to mention sexy time on a regular basis probably means you’re in a healthy, loving relationship, and you’re sending out, “I’m a happy, satisfied person,” vibes to the world! What’s not beautiful about that?
  5. Fewer Cramps During Your Menstraul Cycle. “When a woman orgasms, her uterus contracts and, in the process, rids the body of cramp-causing compounds”, explains Meston. “The increased number of uterine contractions can also help expel blood and tissue more quickly, helping to end your period faster,” she adds. If you’re worried about getting blood on your sheets, take your sexy time excursion to the shower 🙂