Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day

Hey guys… It’s Valentine’s Day!

Even when your lady says she doesn’t really celebrate this holiday, she doesn’t really mean it. Plan something to acknowledge this day. Yes, I know it doesn’t make sense when she sends you conflicting messages 🙂 You think like Spock, she thinks like a girl. The sooner you begin appreciating this difference, the better off your relationship will be 🙂

Suprise her by drawing a bath, set some chocolates or whatever her favorite special treat is near the tub, turn on some sexy time invoking music, place some lit candles near the bubble bath. Go all out 🙂 Maybe hold each other while in the water, taking time caressing each other slowly. After you’re finished there, remind her you’ve been wanting to massage her gorgeous body. Get some coconut oil (the newest In organic skin care) and give her a sensual massage while music plays softly in the background. See where things go from here…

Or just be cool with her falling asleep early. Whatever way you can best show your wife you love her.

Sometimes it’s the little things that help turn her on 🙂

Do Old People Have Sex?

Do Old People Have Sex?

The great Maya Angelou wrote  on the question of “Do old people have sex?” in her book titled, Even The Stars Looks Lonesome. This entire book is a great read. Below we’ll add the link so you can buy it on Amazon, but for now, here is an excerpt:

An African American woman I know had parents who were married for forty years. The father had a lingering and painful illness during which the mother was his devoted and usually cheerful attendant. The father died. Three years later my acquaintance severed relations with her mother. The mother had dared to take up with a gentleman friend. The daughter who was 35 years old and twice divorced was repelled by the thought her mother was being intimate with a man, and displeasure stretched beyond her control.

A group of friends and acquaintances met a hotel for Sunday brunch. The unhappy woman let her horror over her mother’s friend take control over the conversation.

“What could they possibly be doing together? She’s nearly 60 and he’s got be be 65. Can you imagine them naked together? All that wrinkled skin rubbing against the other.

Her face was an ugly mask. She puckered and pouted and sulked.

“Old people shouldn’t have sex. Just thinking about that turns my stomach.”

Sitting at the table were black women, whose ages ranged from seventy to seventeen. There was silence for a moment after the tirade, then almost everyone began to speak at once.

“Are you crazy?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Old folks don’t have sex. Who told you that lie?”

One woman waited until the clamor had subsided and asked sweetly, “What do you think your mama and daddy did after you were born? They stopped doing the do?”

The whiner answered petulantly, “You don’t have to be nasty.” The statement brought howls of derision.

“Girl you are sick!”

“Get a grip!”

And the oldest lady in the room said, “Honey, tired don’t mean lazy, and every goodbye ain’t gone.”

I was reminded of my mother when she was 74. She lived in California with my 4th stepfather, her great love, who was recovering from a mild stroke. Her telephone voice clearly told me how upset she was, “Baby, I’ve waited as long as I could before bothering you, but things have gone on  too long. Much too long.”

I made my voice as soft as hers had been hard. “Mom, what’s the matter? I’ll take care of it.”

Although I lived in North Carolina, I felt as close as the telephone, credit cards and airlines allowed me to be.

“It’s your poppa. If you don’t talk to him, I’m going to put his butt out. Out of this house. I’ll put his butt on the street.”

 The last husband of mom’s was my favorite.  We were made for each other.  He had never had a daughter and I had not known a father’s care, advice and protection since my teens.

“What did Poppa do, Mom? What is he doing?”

“Nothing. Nothing.  That’s it.  He’s not doing a damn thing.”

“But Mom, his stroke.”

“I know.  He thinks that if he has sex, he’ll bring on another stroke. The doctor already told him that isn’t true. And I got so mad when he said he might die having sex, that I told him there’s no better way to go.”

That was funny, but I knew better than to laugh.

“What can I do, Mom? Really, I mean there is nothing I can do.”

“Yes, you can.  You talk to him. He’ll listen to you. Either you talk to him or I’ll put him out on the street. I’m a woman, I’m not a damn rock.”

I knew that voice very well. I knew that she had reached her level of frustration.  She was ready to act.

I said, “OK, Mom.  I don’t know what I will say, but I’ll talk to Poppa.”

“You’d better do it soon, then.”

“Mom, you leave the house at five-thirty this evening, and I’ll telephone Poppa after you leave. Calm your heart, Mom, I’ll do my best.”

“OK, Baby, ‘bye.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She was not happy, but at least she had calmed down.  I pondered throughout the day and at six o’clock California time I telephoned.”

“Hi Poppa.  How are you?”

“Hey, baby.  How you doing?” He was happy to hear my voice.

“Fine, Poppa.  Please let me speak to Mom.”

“Oh, baby, she left here ’bout a half hour ago.  Gone over to her cousin’s.”

“Well, Poppa, I’m worried about her and her appetite.  She didn’t eat today, did she?”

“Yes, she did.  Cooked crab cakes and a slaw and asparagus. We ate it all.”

“Well, she’s not drinking, is she?”

“She has a beer with me, and you can bet she’s got a Dewar’s White Label in her hand right now.”

“But, Poppa, something much be wrong.  I mean, is she playing music and cards and things?”

“We played Take 6 all day on this music system you sent us, and I know she’s playing dominoes over there with your cousin Mary.”

“Well, Poppa, you seem to think her appetite is strong.”

“Oh, yeah, baby, your momma got a good appetite.”

“That’s true, Poppa.” I lowered my voice. “All her appetites are strong.  Poppa, please excuse me – but I’m the only one to speak to you – but it’s true her love appetite is string, too, and, Poppa, please excuse me, but if you don’t take care of her in that department, she will starve to death, Poppa.” I heard him cough and sputter and clear his throat.

“Please excuse me, Poppa, but someone is at my door.  I love you, Poppa.”

There was a very weak “Bye, baby.”

My face was burning.  I made a drink for myself. I had done the best I could, and I hoped it would work.”

The next morning, about 7:00 A.M. California time, my mother’s voice gave me the result.

“Hi darling, Mother’s baby.  You are the sweetest girl in the world.  Mother just adores you.” She cooed and crooned, and I laughed for her pleasure.

Parents who tell their offspring that sex is an act performed only for procreation do everyone a serious disservice.  With absolute distress, I must say that my mom died four years after that incident, but she remains my ideal. Now in my sixties, I plan to continue to be like her when I reach my seventies, and beyond, if I’m lucky.


So what do you think?  Do you want to be an old person having sex?  To read more of Maya Angelou’s book, here it is on Amazon.

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Psychology Today posted an article on 50 characteristics of a healthy relationship. Below we’ll list out our top 25 signs of a healthy relationship. Go through the list with your partner and discuss.

  1. You and your partner are playful with one another
  2. You think your partner has smart ideas at times
  3. You think about each other when you can’t be physically close
  4. You trust your partner
  5. When you disagree, you’re both able to be sensible and at least see the other persons’ point of view
  6. Your partner is happy when things go well for you, and vice versa
  7. You reminisce about past things that have been positive
  8. You touch each other every day in the form of hugs and kisses
  9. Your partner is a safe place to be vulnerable about fears, worries, insecurities, failures, etc.
  10. You can list positive personality traits your partner inherited from his parents
  11. You both provide each other with a sense of security- knowing the other will be faithful in the relationship and also won’t jeopardize finances
  12. You express appreciation for the other regularly
  13. You sense your individual strengths complement one another
  14. You’re okay taking constructive feedback from your partner
  15. When you hear, You’re Body Is a Wonderland, you immediately think of your partner
  16. You can appreciate the ways you’ve grown as individuals and as a couple
  17. When you’re dealing with life stressors, you can turn to your partner for comfort
  18. You feel as though you’re teammates with your partner, working together to accomplish great things together
  19. You know facts about your partner’s childhood and understand their family relationships a bit
  20. You feel comfortable challenging one another
  21. You view your partner as a warm and gentle spirit
  22. You make each other laugh
  23. You get along with at least one of your partner’s friends
  24. You rarely have contempt for your partner
  25. When arguments happen you still feel as though your partner cares about your feelings

Sexual Motivation – Keep that Hubby Working Hard!

Sexual Motivation – Keep that Hubby Working Hard!

Alright ladies, you’re the boss of your organization, just one of the many responsibilities you have. You know you want your husband to keep performing his job well, but he needs to stay motivated. So what is one of his top motivators outside of money? SEX as reinforcement!

How often should you make sure he is earning his reinforcement? Twice a week is a pretty reasonable amount of time for most couples. How do you make sure you’re getting the top performance for the set wage you’re paying him (again sex twice a week)? Here’s where I need to explain some psychology concepts for you to learn and then figure out how to best apply this knowledge in order to run your organization, um, I mean, marriage and household…

Reinforcement is a term used when describing a stimulus that helps learn a desired behavior or maintain a desired behavior. Positive reinforcement is used to strengthen a behavior and increase the likelihood that the desired behavior will happen again. So say you want to reinforce your husband for working hard as a provider and being a great husband/dad, he needs to be rewarded with sex from you in order to know he’s doing a good job and that he should keep doing those desired behaviors well 🙂

Now that you understand what reinforcement is and why it’s important, let’s talk a moment about schedules of reinforcement.

Really, when it comes to a schedule of reinforcement for sex, you’re going to chose from either a fixed interval schedule or a variable ratio schedule.

A fixed interval schedule is the idea behind earning a paycheck every two weeks. You know exactly when you’ll receive the reward. It usually produces high responding near the end of the interval, like right before you collect your paycheck, and then lower responding right after you earned the reinforcer. So maybe you pay your hubby once every week on Saturday nights.

A variable ratio schedule is what’s used by employers’s when giving out bonuses or special trips for top performers. The reinforcer (sex) is released after an unpredictable amount of responding (working as a provider and being an awesome head of the household). This type of schedule leads to a higher rate of responding (or desired behavior/performance), because you don’t know when exactly you’ll be rewarded so you keep trying hard. A great example of a variable ratio 5 schedule was posted on To summarize you’re hubby may be reinforced with sex after three full days of working and being an awesome hubby/dad, after 5 days, or after 7 days and so on. The delivery of the reinforcer is unpredictable, but it would average out to be every 5 days.

In order to run your marriage and household at maximize capacity, it might be helpful to do a combination here of a fixed interval schedule along with a variable ratio schedule. Hubby gets paid every Saturday night, and also gets surprise sex one other night during the week. Sex the second time of the week is unpredictable when it occurs, some weeks its Monday, some weeks its Wednesday, some weeks its Friday, etc.

Hopefully you get the idea. Keep that hubby motivated work to work like a boss and to be active and present on the home front!

How Regular Exercise Can Improve Your Sex Drive

How Regular Exercise Can Improve Your Sex Drive

Improve your sex drive! As you already know regular exercise has many wellness benefits. We’ve known for a long time regular exercise helps us decrease our risks of developing heart disease, diabetes and Alzheimer’s disease. Regular exercise helps us control our weight, improves our mood, boosts our energy, and promotes better sleep.

Improve your sex drive and increase overall wellness. Let’s take some time to review why and how regular exercise can improve your sex drive… 

  1. While you’re exercising your body releases certain chemicals in your brain called endorphins. Endorphins being released in your brain has many benefits, but one is that they can increase a person’s mood by releasing more “feel good” messages to your brain. The release of this “feed good” chemicals combat feelings of depression and anxiety. I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to want to get frisky when I’m in a good mood 😛
  2. Exercise increases blood flow throughout your body. More blood flowing to your genitals means an increase in arousal response! Get that body moving so your sex organs are extra sensitive and responsive.
  3. There’s a relationship between a man’s bulging waistline that puts him at higher risk of developing Erectile Dysfunction. No physician wants to come out and say this, but I wonder if more doctors were this blunt, how a man might change his diet and exercise habits! Yes, this site is focused on women and their sexual functioning, so let’s use some deductive reasoning here: if you’re a lady with a bulging waistline, then you might also be experiencing some form of “vaginal dysfunction.” It’s your sexual functioning and overall health, what diet and exercise changes could you alter?
  4. Exercise can greatly improve body image. If you’re feeling fit and healthy, then you’re more likely to feel good about your physical attributes. The more attractive you’re feeling, the more likely you are to feel confident naked in front of your spouse. Get moving so your body image improves! As Michelle Obama suggested, 60 minutes of fitness a day will do the trick!

Female Sexuality

I remember a close friend opening up while we were still in college and she asked, “So do you think it’s okay for girls to masturbate?” Being a professed believer, I knew what response I should give, and what I did occasionally in the privacy of my own home to contradict one another. I gave her the Christian response, “Well no. We’re not supposed to lust after those who are not our married spouse.” But later on I wondered if that was really a beneficial answer.

Honestly, I had masturbated occasionally out of curiosity about how my own sex organs worked. What if I had been honest and said, “I think girls are equally as curious as guys are, and at the same time I know I’m suppose to remain pure in my thoughts until I’m married.” And then maybe offered her some comment to normalize what she may had felt when asking that question, “It’s hard to be a 20 something single person. I don’t know if God had intended us to through puberty and add on 10-15 years with no way to release a desire her created our clitoris for.”

Then that interaction really got me thinking, why have Christian circles framed sexuality as a guy’s only issue. Guys are allowed to discuss in their guy circles their struggles with sexual sin, usually only touching on matters of pornography or not remaining abstinent until marriage. It baffles me that women don’t also talk about their struggles around sexuality.

If you really believe that men and women were designed to complement one another, then if one demographic, men, are struggling with sexual sin, than wouldn’t it be obvious that there is another complementary group that is also probably struggling. Each respective group probably struggles in their in own way, but why not open up the dialogue. Maybe this should just look like ladies talking with other ladies about sexual matters. Later on, maybe mature married believers can share what they’ve learned from both sexes and create some solutions.

If you’ve got a bunch of 20 or 30 something single men and women that are struggling with remaining pure and abstinent until they’re married then maybe our solution should be, get married earlier and don’t let yourself burn with passion with no way of releasing that.

Or if you’ve been married awhile and you’re wife is no longer feeling sought after or no longer feels as beautiful as she once did; maybe those feelings lead to her not being as interested in sex. How might this decrease in sex drive impact both the husband and wife relationship negatively? Maybe she wants to have sex but depends on her husband’s pursuit and desire to increase her libido.

Or what if your husband has been making sexual advances over the last month or 6 months or years without his wife showing any interest. What does that do to his self esteem? He wants his wife, but she ignores him and doesn’t understand his need for sexual connection. Out of those feelings, he starts looking at the Victoria Secret website after she goes to bed because he needs to feel like a man in his mind and also the release that masturbation provides. How does this impact the marriage relationship once she finds out?

Who’s the one to blame? Maybe that’s where husbands are responsible to their wives and vice versa, wives are responsible to their husbands. Don’t lust after someone that is not your spouse, and also be responsive to your spouses’ sexual advances and needs. Think of the other person before yourself. “Reframe” the concept of sexuality to not just be a guy’s issue, but an issue that both men and women were created with. Both sexes were made as sexual beings and in order to rightfully use this part of our being, we need our spouses.

Selfies: Not Just For Narcissists!

Selfies: Not Just For Narcissists!

SELFIE defined by Merriam Webster as an image of oneself taken by oneself using a digital camera especially for posting on social media.

SELF PORTRAIT defined by Merriam Webster as a painting or drawing of yourself that is done by yourself.

Selfies are the new, updated version of an artistic self-portrait. According to Wikipedia self portraits were not always intended to be on public display, but were intended instead for talking points about the person being painted or as a way to judge the artist’s artistic ability.

We love visual art because of its ability to convey a message without using any words. It’s no wonder when you think about art history why there are so many self-portraits or portrait type art made. Nude portraits in particular have been popular throughout all of history, and have stayed high in demand. Think for a moment about “manly” guy magazines, like Maxim or Playboy. There is a market for nude, female portraits. God has created the female figure to be captivating to the male eye.

Here on our blog we like to take ideas that are in the mainstream, and figure out how the concept can be used to benefit and strengthen the marriage relationship. So in line with this thinking…

Wives could you create artistic, nude self portraits to share with your husband showing off your captivating and awe-inspiring body? This little exercise isn’t just for to beneficial for your husband. You can benefit from snapping some photos of your body and really taking in how beautiful it is? It’s helpful to externalize by capturing images of your body and reflecting on the gorgeous woman in those photos. That’s what positive self-talk is, vocalizing and affirming to yourself what beautiful attributes you do have. Maybe your husband can pick up a camera and share through captured images what he sees when he looks at you too.

Thoughtfully plan out the ways you want to express who you are to your husband and to yourself in these photos. What do you want your nude self portraits to communicate? How often do you want to update these to really capture who you are throughout your life span?

This exercise is beneficial for many reasons. One reason being it can increase your body image when reviewing the photos. Discussing the imagess can be a way of connecting emotionally to your spouse. It’s a fun way to be creative and a cool “gift” to give your husband. If your husband needs to travel at weeks at a time or is deployed, etc, this is a gift that allows him to think of you and focus on you and you alone when he cannot be with you in person.

You can get your own selfie stick here on Amazon.


Keeping Her Interested: Prepare Her Emotionally!

Keeping Her Interested: Prepare Her Emotionally!

As a wise person once said, ladies are like crockpots, they take longer to heat up. Men are like microwaves, it takes one minute to turn them on. So getting your lady turned on, is probably an eight hour preparation.

Getting your lady ready for some physically intimacy begins with relating to her emotionally during the day.

  1. How do you start heating your wife up first thing in the morning? Do you remind her you love her and give her a hug before either of you head off to work. Do you show her you love her by helping getting the kids ready for school? Do you occasionally leave her a note reminding her why you’re still pursuing her? It can be as simple as a sentence or two.
  2. How do you continue to prepare her emotionally throughout the day? Do you notice once you’ve made it home and are at the dinner table with the kids, she seems a little stressed? Can you ask her about her day and just listen? Do you offer to load the dishes or offer to play with the kids while she cleans up the kitchen, so she’s not thinking about that later? Remind her she’s still attractive to you, a sincere compliment goes a long way.
  3. The kids are in bed finally and you get an hour or two for yourselves as husband and wife? Do you share about your day? Real stressors, joys, funny events of the day, etc? Do you take time to cuddle a bit before assuming sexy time will happen? Do you occasionally offer a foot rub to just because? Have you reminded your spouse that you love her lately? It seems simple, but can get overlooked. What are you doing as her husband to show her you are thinking of her before yourself?
  4. While you’re out and about do you still hold hands? Remember, how proud you were to be seen with her? She needs to be reminded of that, especially when you’ve been married for a long time. When was the last time you planned ahead and scheduled a date night? If you need help with ideas, just google “romantic date ideas for your wife.” This can be low budget at home ideas or a quarterly date night out.

All of these types of things help your wife feel loved and prepared emotionally for lovemaking.  If your wife feels loved by you and feels that you’ve been emotionally intimate as a couple, then that helps her to want to engage in the physical act of lovemaking.

Ladies, when your husband has been doing a good job helping to prepare you emotionally, it might be nice to thank him for being awesome.

Music Musing: Santa Baby!

Music Musing: Santa Baby!

“Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;
Been an awful good girl, Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

“Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too, light blue;
I’ll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight.

Think of all the fun I’ve missed;
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed;
Next year I could be just as good… if you check off my Christmas list…

Come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany’s;
I really do believe in you;
Let’s see if you believe in me…

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing… A ring…
I don’t mean on the phone; Santa baby,
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight!” -Santa Baby written by Joan Javits and Philip Springer

Written to Santa from an adult woman who’s made Santa’s “nice” list. Her Christmas wishlist is quite comical because of its extravagance.  She has to remind Santa she’s been a good girl by remaining faithful to him and saving all her kisses for him. The song is sung with a seductive tone and playfulness about it. Personally, the female vocalist sounds like an escort asking for over the top gifts in exchange for some kind of implied sexual favor once Santa hurries down that chimney.

At any rate, there are some things we can take away from this song…

  1. Men, women want gifts on Christmas. Even when women say, “No, I don’t want gifts, let’s just focus on the kids…” Really. women appreciate the cute, romantic, sentimental or even the occasional extravagant gift. Jot down things your wifey has been talking about in the months leading up to Christmas. Are there any visual cues she has conspicuously laid around the house, like leaving a favorite catalog open, and a particular item circled right by the coffee maker?
  2. Ladies, men like a little seduction. Remember how you used to seduce him in your younger days? Bring that alive again! Making out in the car and then not letting him go any further. Gosh that drove him nuts! You were a mystery to be unraveled. Dressing in sexy lingerie during your newlywed days. How about teasing him a bit? Making out, grinding up on him, slowing things down to making out again, before speeding things up again, finally bringing him orgasm.
  3.  Mr. and Mrs. Santa outfits? Spice up the Christmas love making session a bit. Get some fun seasonal outfits. Ladies, create a little simple sexy dance routine choreographed to Santa Baby, tease your hubby a bit and see where it goes. Your husband probably doesn’t care about your dancing ability (or lack thereof), but rather appreciates the effort you put into switching things up. Write a sexy script about Mrs. Claus exploring to Santa’s “North Pole” and then act it out together. Remember, be creative and have fun together 🙂

Below are a few links to peruse sexy Mr. and Mrs. Claus outfits. Hopefully it helps add spice to your Christmas Eve 🙂

Mrs. Claus:

Leg Avenue Women’s Full Body Coverage Santa Costume

Sexy Mrs. Clause Lingerie with Front Corset Outfit 

Dreamgirl Mrs. Claus Outfit

Mr. Claus:

Santa Boxers

Joe Boxer Boxers with Hat 

The Real Deal Santa Suit 

“Help! My Husband Can Be Insensitive, But I Don’t Think He Means To Be.”

“Help! My Husband Can Be Insensitive, But I Don’t Think He Means To Be.”

Girl, I know what you mean when you say your husband can be insensitive at times. This is not an uncommon complaint I hear from wives from time to time.

Please let me give you an example of an insensitive comment and how one wife responded.

Husband soon after he and his wife were first married, and we’re having fun exploring each other until he said this:

Husband: “Your nipples are much larger than I had anticipated…”

Wife: In her head thinks, “How am I suppose to take that?” and then verbalizes to her husband, “Okay, I feel like the mood is ruined now.”

Husband: “What did I just do?”

Wife: “You said there was something wrong with my nipples.”

Husband: “No, I didn’t.”

Wife: “Yes, you did. You said my nipples were bigger than you had anticipated, which to me, implies there’s something wrong with them and me!”

Husband: “That’s not saying there’s anything wrong with them or you!”

Wife: “That’s how I took it. That comment hurt my feelings and made me feel a little insecure.” (Wife being awesome gives her new husband the benefit of doubt, and allows him to remove the foot from his mouth). “So what did you mean then?”

Husband: “I’m sorry that hurt your feelings. That’s not what I meant. I love your nipples, breasts and you!”

This is what we would call a BIG miscommunication between the sexes. What one spouse meant to communicate didn’t translate to other person in the way it was intended. This example could have led to unintentional hurt feelings, and a bit of strife in the relationship; but thanks to some assertive communication, and giving her spouse the benefit of doubt, it didn’t.

The Mayo Clinic gives a great definition of what assertive communication is. Assertive communication is “when you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the points of view and beliefs of others.”  Assertive communication is always direct AND always respectful. It’s not just what you say, but also the tone in how you say it. 

So in the above illustration of the husband making an insensitive comment, the wife used assertive communication to share how his comment made her feel. She didn’t call him a name or lash out at him out of hurt feelings, but instead she labeled how that comment made her feel. She communicated to her husband how she had interpreted his comment, and then followed up with a question clarify what he meant and what the intent was behind his comment.

In summary, it wouldn’t hurt to practice using this form of communication with anyone who may be insensitive at times. Here are some examples of additional questions you can ask using “I-statements” or “labeling the behavior”, that will help with clarification.

  1. I felt _____ when you made this comment _____.
  2. I took what you had said this way, is that how you had intended it?
  3. I felt that behavior was _____, and it made me feel ____. Can you help me understand better what you were trying to say?

Also, it wouldn’t hurt to try giving your spouse (or other people) the benefit of doubt more often. Most people don’t intend to be jerks, and most people have had times were they haven’t communicated an idea or comment with eloquence. Remember, ask for a clarifying response when necessary.