Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Lessons on dealing with the silent treatment: Music Musing: Cold by Maroon 5

The lyrics below are from Cold by Maroon 5….

 

Are we taking time or a timeout?

I can’t take the in between

Asking me for space here in my house

You know how to fuck with me

Acting like we’re not together

After everything that we’ve been through

Sleeping up under the covers

How am I so far away from you?

Distant when we’re kissing

Feel so different

Baby tell me how did you get so

Cold enough to chill my bones

It feels like I don’t know you anymore

I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me

With every breath you breathe

I see there’s something going on

I don’t understand why you’re so cold, yeah

 

Thanks Adam Levine and crew for taking the time to write and sing a song that many people can relate to. Husbands often report experiencing the cold shoulder tactic. It is frustrating, we know. So if you’re left wondering why your lady is doing this and what you can do about it, we are here to try to help ya out.

So what is being cold or giving someone the cold shoulder you ask? Well, it’s deliberately ignoring someone. The person acting in a cold manner withdraws from the relationship and/or intentionally takes away something her spouse wants, her attention. Ladies often do this when they are upset with their spouse, and they are waiting for their husband to recognize they have been hurt by something he has or has not done.

The Cold Shoulder Treatment: A Scenario

Julie and Mark make plans to attend their youngest child’s soccer game together on Saturday afternoon. Julie is looking forward to it because Mark has had some work travel and time away from the family. She normally doesn’t mind Mark’s work travel, but her dad just found out he has to have additional medical testing done after some preliminary results came back positive. Julie is upset because her dad may have an serious medical concern and Mark has been unavailable to talk to her about it. Then Mark’s buddy calls him up and offers him tickets to the MLS that happens to be at the same time as their youngest son’s soccer game on Saturday. Mark tells Julie, “Hey, honey, so and so offered for me to go with him to the MLS game on Saturday. I  told him I could so it’s on you to attend the game on Saturday. Oh and don’t forget it’s our week to bring snacks and a drink.”

So Julie gives Mark the glaring eye and leaves the room. She refuses to speak to him for the next two nights. Any time he tries to get her to talk, she just turns on walks away. The ladies reading this are thinking, how does Mark not know what he has done wrong her?? The guys reading this are thinking, how is Mark suppose to know what he has done wrong if Julie doesn’t tell him.

Problem Solving: Why is she giving me the cold shoulder?

Why does Julie give Mark the cold shoulder her? She is wanting Mark to recognize he’s done some perceived wrong or has hurt her somehow. When Mark notices her being beginning to act cold, he’s going to recognize the behavior by verbally saying, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset, and that’s why you’re withdrawing right now. I’m sorry.” Mark doesn’t have the slightest idea yet why he is apologizing, but that’s the first step. He recognizes her behavior as being cold and without putting blame on her, he just states he can see she is upset and he’s sorry.

Next, you’re going to ask her to help you out. You don’t want her upset. You love her and you want her to help define the problem so together you can think of solutions.

She will love if you are able to analyze the past couple of days and take note of things going well up until a certain point. So if you are Mark you may have noticed she was warm until you mentioned going to the MLS game instead of the kid’s soccer game. You start here…

“Honey bunny, I noticed you seemed upset after I mentioned going to the game with so and so? Normally, you’re cool with that sort of thing. Was it that or was there something else?” questions Mark.  Good job, Mark!  You’re on your way to figuring out why you’re getting the cold shoulder.

Let him out of the dog house… vulnerability is healthy!

Julie, “Yeah, Mark I’m upset because we had planned to go to our son’s game together on Saturday.” Julie throws up her hands and shakes her head. He begins to see her tear up. Now she feels cared for because he noticed her being upset so she can begin to show her real emotions.

Mark asks for more, “So you’re upset because we aren’t going to the game together on Saturday? So and so did offer tickets. I haven’t seen him in a few months and we’re going to talk about a potential client while there. Maybe I should have asked you first. I know I’ve had a bit of travel lately.”

Julie still gives short responses, “Yeah you should have. I haven’t even been able to talk to you.” She begins to cry.

He thinks of when her menstrual cycle should begin. Nope not this week, so he continues to listen. There must be more going on. “Julie, what else is going on?”

Critical thinking moment: Mark knows that Julie isn’t the type to engage in “silent treatment manipulation” or using the cold shoulder to get what she wants.  His intuition also lets him know that this seems a little more than just being upset about the soccer game.  Thinking like this about your spouse and understanding their behavior can be very helpful in a relationship. It can also help you when dealing with the silent treatment so you can analyze what’s going on.

Dealing with the silent treatment: Patience, empathy, and listening

“My dad got his preliminary test results back and now they need to send him for more. It doesn’t sound very good. I’m just upset about that. Plus, we haven’t been able to talk about it. The kids have been busy with school and sports. I was really looking forward to the car ride with you. That would have been our only real time to talk over the last couple of weeks. I’m feeling disappointed and yes, I wish you would have asked me first,” Julie explains.

“Thanks for explaining that,” Mark states. “Now it makes sense to me why you were ignoring me. You were feeling hurt. How about  I call so and so and tell him I can’t go on Saturday. I want to go with you because that’s what I said I would do. We do need that time together because things have been busy.”

Julie says, “Thank you. And if you need to reschedule something with so and so to talk about that client how about next Tuesday when you’ve been home and while I’m talking so and so to practice?”

   Guys just recognize the behavior, and think through dealing with the silent treatment.  Then draw out of her what’s really going on. Hopefully you now understand a little bit more of why women act cold, how to recognize it, and what to do to communicate effectively so your relationships gets back to normal as soon as possible.  You love one another, learn effective communication!

Sexy Adventures With a Couples Vibrator

Sexy Adventures With a Couples Vibrator

Adventure Sex!!!  With our Couples Vibrator!?!

That’s right.  We have found a lot of fun adventured to be had with a Couples Vibrator and a little creativity.  Sex can get a little boring after you’ve been married for years, so sometimes you need to spice it up!  We have found many ways to give sex some sex spice, and the couples vibrator has been a great one!

To give some insight, we are using either the Lelo Tiani 3 or our We-Vibe Sync, the newest couples Vibrator from We-Vibe.

Below, we will introduce you to several sexy adventures we have had together with our couples vibrators.  Hopefully they will inspire you to purchase one of these amazing sex toys for yourselves!

Couples Vibrator – On the Road!

“On the road” in this case doesn’t mean that a spouse is travelling for work… it means we’re driving!  For this adventure, we happen to be on a driving trip from Denver to a lake house we rented southern Montana.  In a big ol RV!  Yep, we flew to Denver, rented a giant Coachman – the nicest one they had and it looked almost brand new, and took 2 days to slowly drive each way.  The scenery on the drive was … stunning.  My hubby usually isn’t the best at planning a romantic getaway, but he really went big with this one.  And he got it all right.  Lake house, romantic drive, nice accommodations, planned stops along the way, entertainment for the kids… amazing.

Getting turned on…

We were holding hands in the front while driving the big rig and I was thinking about how nice the trip was already.  In “code” he was telling me quietly how nice the evenings were going to be also after the kids went to bed and that he had some other things planned!  But he wouldn’t tell me!  He gave me some hints that it included sexy outfits and some massaging.  The combination of all these things started to get me squirming a little bit in the passenger seat.  The kids were glued to the TV in the back all morning, but we knew they would get tired pretty soon after we stopped for lunch.  So at the first rest stop about 4 hours in, I decided to have a little fun and prep the couples vibrator… it was fully charged before we left, so we had plenty of juice for the drive.

 

I walked back to the motorhome a few minutes before my hubby and the kiddos and used just a little lube to slide the toy in.  Slipping back up my underwear and pants, and it’s held pretty well in place.  Now, before anyone gets offended, we have a strict rule to completely divide any sex (talking, thinking, acts, etc.) when the kids are around.  Obviously, come on – that would be weird.  BUT, the kids hadn’t napped yet and we knew they were due for a long nap here after waking up early, travelling, and eating some lunch.

Sex and Scenery!!

I was ready and really excited.  This would be the first time we had done this while driving, and I was fully energized after drinking some coffee.  Sure enough, the back got quiet after about 20 minutes of driving.  So I let hubby in on my surprise and handed him the remote!  He was super turned on.  He waited a few minutes and we talked a little more about what we were going to do in the evenings.  Then without notice, he gave me a little zap that I wasn’t expecting and caused me to yelp a little!  Hahaha, after laughing for a minute or so, he turned it back on low while making sure he was being careful to watch the road.  The kids were totally zonked out, so he started telling me how sexy I was looking in my comfy travel yoga pants.  I really got going when he started just a little naughty talk about nipple play and how sexy it was to see my hips moving while turning up the vibration intensity.

I was getting close to orgasm when he turned it back down to low!  The drive was going to be pretty long. Neither of us wanted this entertainment to end quickly!  So after he got me close to orgasm a few more times, I told him I the next time to not turn it off and let me climax.  So he did and it was amazing!

The scenery, spontaneity, and sexy talk was the perfect start to an amazing sexy weekend!

Couples Vibrator – At the Movies!

We try to keep to our weekly date night, even if it’s just watching a movie together at home with just the two of us after the kids have gone to bed.  Last Christmas though, my parents were over and surprise!  Hubby had arranged with them to watch the kids while we went for dinner and a movie.  4 or 5 hours with just the two of us!  I was excited.  We got all done up and ready for our 6:00 reservation.  And dinner was amazing!  Just like when we were dating, my hubby sat on the same side of the booth as me, rather than apart so we can snuggle while we eat and drink.  It was like we were in our early 20’s again 🙂

My favorite sexy dress

Conversation was great.  Food was great.  He looked and smelled great.  He told me likewise.  I don’t get many opportunities to wear my dressy clothes, so I had worn the black dress that I typically think is just a little too short, my big wedge shoes, and just a tiny bit more makeup than I wear on a normal day.  I felt sexy.  I had been working hard in the gym and running and watching what I eat for the last 2 months, so I was down 10 pounds and feeling great.  So I thought I would show off a little for him!  Yep, feeling confident.  I even wore his favorite black thong under the dress that I typically think is too short.  You better believe I was careful walking, sitting, and any time I had to bend over a little!  But I know he likes it.

We both had a glass of wine at dinner, then another.  Two glasses is my max – I start feeling it after one!  We’re not big drinkers.  Anyway, we started talking about the blog and the next review I was going to write, and his hand kept feeling my leg, even though I was holding the top of his hand.  It’s a good thing we had the corner booth closest to the kitchen and it was dark in there!  Nothing naughty but we both wanted more.  Then he surprised me by telling me that he had brought the couples vibrator to use while at the movie!  He had hid it in my purse without me knowing!  Now I was excited.

Trying to keep my cool and act like I wasn’t being secretly stimulated in public!

I didn’t want to put it in at the restaurant because I was wearing … a thong and a short dress!  So we went to the theater, which is right across from the restaurant, and I stopped in the restroom after we found our seats.  I walked carefully back to our seats clenching my vaginal muscles in fear that it would fall out!  I had it pretty snug and I don’t think it would have, but anyway, I wasn’t taking any chances.

So about 5 minutes into the movie, while it was fairly loud, he took the remote from my purse and turned the couples vibrator on low… and I started to squirm in my seat, even though I tried not to!  Good grief… I couldn’t control myself!  It was the first time we had done anything where others were around and might potentially notice.   I was totally turned on by how naughty this was!  So needless to say, I orgasmed, and probably looked like there was something wrong with me even though I tried to stay cool.  At least I didn’t have anyone sitting right beside me or directly behind me.

I left the couples vibrator in.  I had mostly forgotten about it after about 45 minutes. The movie was engaging.  Then my hubby turned our couples vibrator on again!  I almost gave out a little yelp!  It was amazing the second time also – feeling the vibrations inside and out… wonderful.  A second orgasm and probably looking awkward.

The finish to an amazing night

I took our couples vibrator out in the restroom on the way out and hung on his arm on our way out to the car.  We got home and the kids were in bed asleep!  Grandparents are the best.

Then I rode my hubby like we were newlyweds!  And again, I wore our couples vibrator while we did it.  He had planned a wonderful, romantic, sexy surprise evening.  And he made me feel desired.  I wanted to show him how I appreciated it and how he made me feel pursued.

Best date night ever.

Which Couples Vibrator to get?

There are many adventures you can have with a couples vibrator.  I hope to add more of our adventures to this blog entry in the coming weeks.  It is a great way to spice up your sex life in ways that other sex toys cannot!

For all-around features and functionality, I would recommend getting the We-Vibe Sync.  Especially for couples that have to be apart for work travel on a regular basis.  It’s not cheap but it’s a great investment!

Valentine’s Day 2017

Valentine’s Day 2017

Valentine’s Day 2017 is fast approaching so you better start planning. This year you’re going to skip the easy to buy gifts and wow her instead with something a little more meaningful and thoughtful. We’ve got two ideas that don’t cost any money at all, but are more sentimental in nature.

Idea One:

Your Wedding Vows- remember those things? This was the contract of love and commitment you had pledged to one another in front of your closest friends and family. Go find those vows and make a little handwritten keepsake to put on your night stand. Think nice paper and penmanship in a beautiful frame. After the kids go to sleep make sure to bring this gift to her and say this year you want to reflect together on how your doing as a married couple. What in your marital contract are you doing well with and what are some areas you could maybe improve upon (you’re a pretty amazing hubby so not much to improve on). She may love the sentimental nature of this gift and the emotional connection you’re making when talking about how you two are measuring up against your wedding vows.

Idea Two:

Serenade Her- think either the song you two danced to together at your reception or her new favorite love song. Make it meaningful. Are you going to sing acapella or with musical accompaniment? PRACTICE! You don’t have to be a great vocalist, but make sure you put worth effort rehearsing this. Forgetting the words halfway through is no bueno! Now think of the location- if she is more of a private person, go ahead and sing to her at home. Just make sure it’s in a nice and tidy area of the home. If she loves public displays of affection, maybe go for a shopping mall or botanical garden type of venue. Lastly, be confident. Confidence is sexy!!!

Hopefully these ideas will help you plan ahead on ways to keep your love life interesting and romantic this Valentine’s Day.

Let us know which option you went with and how your lady responded in the comments section!

How to Trim Your Bush

How to Trim Your Bush

How to Trim Your Bush: Some things to ponder and some products we love for trimming our bush. Personal Trimmers and Waxing Kits 101.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO MAKE THE CUT!  

You look down below and realize you’ve really neglected your bush- it’s crazy overgrown. It hasn’t had much attention lately and has really gotten out of hand. The first step is acknowledgment and the second step is to make a plan to trim this way back …

There are a couple of right ways to clean up this bush and a better time of the year to really trim it bare. 

Winter Months: Let this thing just take it’s natural shape. This is 70s style and the Europeans do it all the time, you remind yourself.

Spring: Grab a pair of these lady bush trimmers and find a comfortable location to begin your maintenance work. Next, decide how much you want to take off. Do you want to just give it a little shape around the edges? Maybe you’re feeling more daring today and want to remove the entire overgrown shrub? No, you decide. Save that one for when you go on vacation this summer.  You’ve got real landscaping skills and have an extra 5 minutes to yourself in the bathroom. You decide to trim your bush back but leave your hubby’s initials etched into it! He’ll love it you think to yourself!?!

Summer: You’re on trend so the Brazilian is the way to go. You agree to wax your crack if your hubby does his two. You buy your at home Brazilian waxing kit here, give it a try and then decide to never try that one again at home. Ooops, the wax ended up in a spot it probably was never intended to go. After a very painful and embarrassing visit to the ER you vow to never, ever speak with your spouse again. Please DO NOT attempt this at home! Trust the waxing professionals, they get paid the big bucks for a reason to do this job.

Fall: Time to use those lady bush trimmers again. Just one last maintenance trim to keep its  shape for the season. Or on those cool fall nights when you’re feeling energized, you trim the shrub back so he can see the windows on the house again. This is his signal its time to go down, down there.

Weekend Getaways- What Happened to Those?

Weekend Getaways- What Happened to Those?

It’s time to bring back those amazing weekend getaway trips! Gentleman do what you need to do to plan a long weekend away for just you and your spouse, but surprise her with it.

  • Call on the grandparents for help if you’ve got children in the home. Make sure you pick a long weekend that’ll work for them to stay with the kids.
  •  Make a reservation at one of the Sandals Resorts that’s now offering a Luxury Love Nest Suite. These suites often include a semiprivate pool and hot tub for two.
  • Pack the weekend getaway bag to include: magazines for the plane ride, that little black bikini she wore during your honeymoon when no one else was around, lingerie she might actually think about wearing again because her hubby has really put effort into this trip, and other cute outfit options for those romantic dinners you’ve got planned.
  • Don’t forget the plane tickers and passport (if necessary).
  • Balance relaxation, pool time and going out to explore a new local scene and cuisine.

Our Gift Guide for Her this Christmas

Our Gift Guide for Her this Christmas

Our Gift Guide for Your Her this Christmas

    • Personalized Christmas Ornament from Pottery Barn -$8.50  Add a favorite family photo memory from this past year. Small annual contribution like these really pay off over the long haul. The return on the investment is great 20 years from now when the kids have moved out.
    • Create an at Home Spa Package filled with items she’ll love and will use more than once, but will still leave you with money to fund the kids’ 529 plans.
      • Luxurious Bubble Bath -$38
      • Velour Bath Robe with Sherpa Trim– $90-130
      • Sleeping Mask- $40
    • Buy the New York Times Best Seller, Bad Feminist. $10. You know her favorite place for some intellectual stimulation is in the bathtub.

3 Steps to Increase the Female Libido!!!

In today’s post, let’s tackle a question that many married men wonder: “How do you get your wife in the mood?”  She is either uninterested in sex, bored with sex, too stressed to have sex, or too busy and tired to have sex.  Or, all too often, you and your wife have fallen into a rut in your marriage so sex is just becoming more and more rare.  You’re still interested, but she seems to be off in her own separate world or doesn’t want to put forth the energy to have sex.  So how do you increase the female libido after it’s been on the decline for so long?

Increase the female libido

Step 1 to increase the female libido: make your wife feel attractive.

This step is going to take the most effort.  It is also going to take some humility, focus, and just genuine thought on your part as a husband.  The thing about increasing the female libido is that there is no simple fix.  It takes time.  There is no magic bullet.

In our post called Keeping Her Interested: It’s all in Her Head, we discussed the differences between the way that men and women think about sex.  Here, let’s take it a step further.  Beyond being relaxed and having some relief from the stress of daily life, the most important thing that a husband can do for his wife’s sex drive is to make her feel attractive.  But how?

Be attracted to her

… get this… just be attracted to her.  Genuinely.  Why?  Because, out of the heart the mouth speaks.  I’ll save this topic for a post another day, but one key piece here is to only find sexual satisfaction from your wife.  No looking at magazines with half-naked ladies inside, no checking out the girl in the office repeatedly… just save all of that for your wife.  You’ll be surprised at how the sex appeal of your wife starts to multiply when she’s the only well you’re drinking from.

Be over the top with telling her how attractive she is

Make her blush with your praise.  Tell her specific things about how gorgeous she is.  Be genuine and tell her something like, “Baby, your [fill in the blank] is looking so good today!  Mmm!!”  But it starts with genuinely being attracted to her.  Then you won’t be able to stop telling her that she’s beautiful and you’ll have to put a filter on it because you’re in public!

Touch her

Frequently, if she’s not opposed to it, let your hands be all over her all day, complementing the verbal praise.  Couples who touch frequently naturally feel closer.  Touch is also just another good method of communication, so your wife won’t just hear what you’re saying, she’ll feel it also.

Buy her clothes

Gifts are another form of communication and display of love.  Getting her an attractive article of clothing – maybe not even lingerie or underwear, but maybe a top that shows off her cleavage – is also a great way to show her you’re attracted to her.  Make sure it’s something she’ll actually wear and it’s the right size.

Exercise with her

Exercise naturally helps us to feel attractive, and doing it together is a great way to bond.  Make sure it’s a positive experience and you both feel accomplished.  When she does something – treadmill, weights, Zumba, whatever – make sure you tell her that she’s doing awesome and you find it attractive that she’s working hard.

Step 2 to increase the female libido: Set the mood ALL DAY LONG

Now that your wife feels attractive, the next step to increasing her libido is to feed her mind with good sexual thoughts all day.  You guys can just turn it on at the flip of a switch, but your wife likely takes a lot longer to warm up.  Anticipation is the name of the game here!  Now, think to yourself about what turns your wife on in a good way.  Does she like knowing there’s a sexy gift waiting for her or that you have a new position in mind?  Does she love massages and want to take time to enjoy the build up?

Bring awesome sex Back to the Future!

Here’s a great idea – earlier in the day, reflect out loud with her on a time where the sex was really really good… maybe you were on vacation and did something amazing.  Conjuring that mental image for her will get her mind thinking about that scenario for a while.  Just make sure your kids aren’t around so you don’t totally gross them out 🙂

Make sure she knows you have plenty of time

There’s little anticipation of a 10 minute sex quickie.  Make sure she knows that the kids are off at their friends places and you won’t be interrupted for your hour-long session of sexual pleasure 🙂  To increase the female libido takes time and patience, but it’s well worth it!

No distractions

Sink full of dirty dishes on the mind?  Giant pile of laundry to fold?  Completely exhausted from chasing the kids around?  These are things that will get in your wife’s way in her mind… remove these blockers and make sure she has no worries…

Step 3 to increase the female libido: Make her the priority

When your wife feels attractive and she’s anticipating awesome sex, you can’t go wrong, right?  Wrong.  Don’t just dive right in and orgasm within the first 5 minutes and ask her how wonderful she thought it was.  You’ll ruin the buildup.  You want a sexual excursion that you can reflect on again with her in the future to turn her on again… here are some pointers:

Set the atmosphere

Okay guys.  Here’s the good sexual atmosphere checklist:

  1. Room smells nice – nicely scented candles (see the link below for our FAVORITE)
  2. Comfortable setup – bed is nicely made, lots of pillows, etc.
  3. Clean – no clutter!!! If your nightstand has a half-eaten banana on it, your wife is not going to get it on with you… Please clean the room!!!
  4. Good music!  Set the playlist… sexy-romantic at the beginning… think 5 – 6 songs from Robin Thicke… then transitioning into some more explicit music for the main event… think Beyonce’s Dance for You

Help her relax – give her a massage

Please, do yourself a favor and get a good massage setup.  It will pay dividends, trust me!  No more dry massage and no more passing off lotion as massage oil.  It’s not the same thing.  See the link below for some different coconut oil options and read our upcoming blog entry on 6 Reasons Why Coconut Oil is the Best Sex Massage Oil! Really, this is the best thing you will discover and it will open whole new roads to your sex life.

 

So there you have it!  Three easy steps with a ton of suggestions to increase your wife’s sex libido… What do you think? Do you have any more libido increasing suggestions?

Vulnerability in Marriage

Vulnerability in Marriage

Pornography is a topic that gets talked about a lot in some circles. Apparently there has been a steep increase in the use of pornographic material. Husbands are being tempted to use this as a replacement instead of going to their wives for sexual connection and having that need met there.

After reading about this I couldn’t help but wonder why individuals aren’t discussing what’s at the root cause of this? So some husbands are looking at pornography, okay. So that’s the symptom telling me that something else is going on in the man’s heart or is going on in that marriage relationship that needs a remedy.

A wise person once talked about couples coming together regularly as being a good indicator that those marriages were probably strong and healthy. If couples are coming together regularly for sexual connection, then other areas (emotional, spiritual, intellectual) of their marriage are probably strong and healthy too.

But for those who are experiencing some symptoms, what’s going on in the relationship that needs to be addressed and healed?

Here are two examples:

Scenario One

Life Got Busy and Physical Intimacy Got Placed On The Back Burner. 

Guys, most women are reasonable if you speak to their logical mind.

If you said, “Hey I’m feeling tempted in this area because we’re not getting it on regularly, what can we do about this? Do you need more sleep? How can I help love on you more? I want you and only you, because you’re my smokin’ hot wife.” She’s likely to appreciate your vulnerability AND be prepared, she may come back with, “Thanks for being honest. I would be more in the mood if “x” happened more often. What can we do about it?”

So this opens up the conversation in a pretty healthy and respectful way.

Listen and repeat back. 

Husbands – acknowledge your wife’s feelings and repeat back to her what she needs from you. That lets her know you’re actually taking in what’s she’s saying. She’s likely to mirror that back to you, acknowledging how you’re feeling and expressing she gets what you need from her.

Together think of win win solutions.

Set goals together. Two times a week she’ll get x from you, two times a week she’ll invite you into being sexually intimate. Everyone wins and walks away feeling heard and like they’re getting the best out of the deal.

Scenario Two:

He’s Been Emasculated.

Husband feels emasculated by his wife. She compares him negatively to other men or treats him in a way that makes him feel as though he’ll never be good enough. Or maybe this wife never acknowledges that her husband is right, which over time cuts him down. This habit over time leads to him turning to pornography because at least the fake girl in the video makes him feel good about himself temporarily.

Owning Feelings and Labeling Behavior.

The husband needs to bring this up to his wife in a way that labels her behavior, and let’s her know how her behavior is impacting him negatively. Hopefully she’ll receive this constructive criticism, start acknowledging where she was wrong and starts working to improve their relationship. If you’re husband is being vulnerable ladies, please pay attention. He is trying to tell you something is not right here and it needs to get fixed before things get worse.

These are just two examples, personalize it to fit your specific scenario.

And just a reminder men, your wife’s sexual libido is highly dependent on your pursuit of her. We ladies are designed to respond to your display of love for us. You lead here and we respond! Ladies, build up your husband and let him know you desire him physically as well.

 

 

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day

Hey guys… It’s Valentine’s Day!

Even when your lady says she doesn’t really celebrate this holiday, she doesn’t really mean it. Plan something to acknowledge this day. Yes, I know it doesn’t make sense when she sends you conflicting messages 🙂 You think like Spock, she thinks like a girl. The sooner you begin appreciating this difference, the better off your relationship will be 🙂

Suprise her by drawing a bath, set some chocolates or whatever her favorite special treat is near the tub, turn on some sexy time invoking music, place some lit candles near the bubble bath. Go all out 🙂 Maybe hold each other while in the water, taking time caressing each other slowly. After you’re finished there, remind her you’ve been wanting to massage her gorgeous body. Get some coconut oil (the newest In organic skin care) and give her a sensual massage while music plays softly in the background. See where things go from here…

Or just be cool with her falling asleep early. Whatever way you can best show your wife you love her.

Sometimes it’s the little things that help turn her on 🙂

Do Old People Have Sex?

Do Old People Have Sex?

The great Maya Angelou wrote  on the question of “Do old people have sex?” in her book titled, Even The Stars Looks Lonesome. This entire book is a great read. Below we’ll add the link so you can buy it on Amazon, but for now, here is an excerpt:

An African American woman I know had parents who were married for forty years. The father had a lingering and painful illness during which the mother was his devoted and usually cheerful attendant. The father died. Three years later my acquaintance severed relations with her mother. The mother had dared to take up with a gentleman friend. The daughter who was 35 years old and twice divorced was repelled by the thought her mother was being intimate with a man, and displeasure stretched beyond her control.

A group of friends and acquaintances met a hotel for Sunday brunch. The unhappy woman let her horror over her mother’s friend take control over the conversation.

“What could they possibly be doing together? She’s nearly 60 and he’s got be be 65. Can you imagine them naked together? All that wrinkled skin rubbing against the other.

Her face was an ugly mask. She puckered and pouted and sulked.

“Old people shouldn’t have sex. Just thinking about that turns my stomach.”

Sitting at the table were black women, whose ages ranged from seventy to seventeen. There was silence for a moment after the tirade, then almost everyone began to speak at once.

“Are you crazy?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Old folks don’t have sex. Who told you that lie?”

One woman waited until the clamor had subsided and asked sweetly, “What do you think your mama and daddy did after you were born? They stopped doing the do?”

The whiner answered petulantly, “You don’t have to be nasty.” The statement brought howls of derision.

“Girl you are sick!”

“Get a grip!”

And the oldest lady in the room said, “Honey, tired don’t mean lazy, and every goodbye ain’t gone.”

I was reminded of my mother when she was 74. She lived in California with my 4th stepfather, her great love, who was recovering from a mild stroke. Her telephone voice clearly told me how upset she was, “Baby, I’ve waited as long as I could before bothering you, but things have gone on  too long. Much too long.”

I made my voice as soft as hers had been hard. “Mom, what’s the matter? I’ll take care of it.”

Although I lived in North Carolina, I felt as close as the telephone, credit cards and airlines allowed me to be.

“It’s your poppa. If you don’t talk to him, I’m going to put his butt out. Out of this house. I’ll put his butt on the street.”

 The last husband of mom’s was my favorite.  We were made for each other.  He had never had a daughter and I had not known a father’s care, advice and protection since my teens.

“What did Poppa do, Mom? What is he doing?”

“Nothing. Nothing.  That’s it.  He’s not doing a damn thing.”

“But Mom, his stroke.”

“I know.  He thinks that if he has sex, he’ll bring on another stroke. The doctor already told him that isn’t true. And I got so mad when he said he might die having sex, that I told him there’s no better way to go.”

That was funny, but I knew better than to laugh.

“What can I do, Mom? Really, I mean there is nothing I can do.”

“Yes, you can.  You talk to him. He’ll listen to you. Either you talk to him or I’ll put him out on the street. I’m a woman, I’m not a damn rock.”

I knew that voice very well. I knew that she had reached her level of frustration.  She was ready to act.

I said, “OK, Mom.  I don’t know what I will say, but I’ll talk to Poppa.”

“You’d better do it soon, then.”

“Mom, you leave the house at five-thirty this evening, and I’ll telephone Poppa after you leave. Calm your heart, Mom, I’ll do my best.”

“OK, Baby, ‘bye.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She was not happy, but at least she had calmed down.  I pondered throughout the day and at six o’clock California time I telephoned.”

“Hi Poppa.  How are you?”

“Hey, baby.  How you doing?” He was happy to hear my voice.

“Fine, Poppa.  Please let me speak to Mom.”

“Oh, baby, she left here ’bout a half hour ago.  Gone over to her cousin’s.”

“Well, Poppa, I’m worried about her and her appetite.  She didn’t eat today, did she?”

“Yes, she did.  Cooked crab cakes and a slaw and asparagus. We ate it all.”

“Well, she’s not drinking, is she?”

“She has a beer with me, and you can bet she’s got a Dewar’s White Label in her hand right now.”

“But, Poppa, something much be wrong.  I mean, is she playing music and cards and things?”

“We played Take 6 all day on this music system you sent us, and I know she’s playing dominoes over there with your cousin Mary.”

“Well, Poppa, you seem to think her appetite is strong.”

“Oh, yeah, baby, your momma got a good appetite.”

“That’s true, Poppa.” I lowered my voice. “All her appetites are strong.  Poppa, please excuse me – but I’m the only one to speak to you – but it’s true her love appetite is string, too, and, Poppa, please excuse me, but if you don’t take care of her in that department, she will starve to death, Poppa.” I heard him cough and sputter and clear his throat.

“Please excuse me, Poppa, but someone is at my door.  I love you, Poppa.”

There was a very weak “Bye, baby.”

My face was burning.  I made a drink for myself. I had done the best I could, and I hoped it would work.”

The next morning, about 7:00 A.M. California time, my mother’s voice gave me the result.

“Hi darling, Mother’s baby.  You are the sweetest girl in the world.  Mother just adores you.” She cooed and crooned, and I laughed for her pleasure.

Parents who tell their offspring that sex is an act performed only for procreation do everyone a serious disservice.  With absolute distress, I must say that my mom died four years after that incident, but she remains my ideal. Now in my sixties, I plan to continue to be like her when I reach my seventies, and beyond, if I’m lucky.

 

So what do you think?  Do you want to be an old person having sex?  To read more of Maya Angelou’s book, here it is on Amazon.