What I Learned from my 70 year old Grandma about Love, Home Life, and Sex

                    

As a psych undergraduate student I was asked to interview an elderly person for a developmental psychology paper. The point of the assignment was to discuss each part of an elderly person’s life (e.g. cognitive, physical and social domains) at each stage of the lifespan in a retroperspective and reflective way.

 

The lady I picked to interview was my 70 year old Grandma. She had fabulous style and took great pride in the way she looked until the day she passed away. People liked her and found her to be relatable. These are attributes she definitely passed down to her children and grandchildren. She understood and demonstrated an understanding of love that most do not today. Not the quick and easy kind, but the kind of love that you commit to and see it through until your last day on earth even when it’s hard. The committal type of love. She faithfully loved her husband even when he became her ex-husband. She was a devoted mother and faithfully reared ten children even on days when it was pure chaos and she was completely exhausted.  

 

During the interview we talked through each chronological age and stage of life. Eventually we got to the part where she was asked to reflect on her marriage, children and overall satisfaction with personal relationships over her lifespan. She recalled marrying at a younger age in love and adoring her husband. The wedding took place in the Catholic Church and she agreed to submit to his Church’s teachings on how to live life. They started out as newlyweds and honeymooned in the guestroom of her mother-in-law’s place. Not an ideal way to start out, but they continued on in love. Grandma commented that he was a mama’s boy and needed to learn how to cling to his wife instead of his mom. Soon after the honeymoon, she and Grandpa had draw some boundary lines with his mom so they could start living life together as husband and wife, and he could learn to truly be an independent man. Later in life, they made sure his mother was well taken care in old age and made a point of visiting her as often as they could.

 

This Grandma and her young husband didn’t have much especially starting out, but made the most of what they did have. They led a great life demonstrating contentment and trying to see things in a positive light. Grandma carried ten children in her womb and then lovingly rearing them into adulthood. She considered her kids her pride and joy, and her life’s greatest accomplishment. She also enjoyed seeing her husband in the father role and the attention he paid to his children. Hunting with the boys and Western movies and talks with his girls.

He worked hard to provide the family with special live Christmas trees each year, carried on his German tradition of the Christmas village and train, and delighted in seeing their children open gifts on Christmas morning.

 

When their kids were older he would make pieces of wood furniture for his kids and engraved a special message into it. Or he would design and help install a beautiful landscape just for them. It was the meaningful and thoughtful gifts he would make out of love for his kids that he will always be remembered for. He also gave his family the best gift of all, his time. Family picnics brought everyone together. He had a gentle spirit and was a natural at nurturing his children. Patient, kind and loving- those were the attributes she had adored about him.

 

At times things were hard for the family because of the seasonal nature of his job. He was a skilled bricklayer and woodworker/craftsman, and that meant not always having consistent work especially in the harsh winter months. Together they taught their children how to grow fruit trees and vegetables in the garden, and how to properly can it for the winter months. Each of the kids had responsibilities around the home, that’s how they started out learning about having a strong work ethic. That seemed like a value that was important to them as a couple to instill into their children.

 

As the kids were getting older, some of them of getting married and the others still in middle or high school, things started to get really stressful for this couple! For Grandma it was also a time when menopause began, and she experienced some pretty wicked mood swings. A little self-awareness would have been helpful here. The financial stressors on Grandpa were picking up at that time too. They as a couple were caught in middle adulthood. Bodies were changing, beginning to ache or maybe not work as well. They were also trying to get the last of their kids and teenagers to turn into and act like adults, which is not always easy work! It was a time of a lot of fighting between Grandma and Grandpa. No one told them that marital satisfaction tends to be shaped like a horseshoe (U). Things start out great, dip down a bit, but eventually they go back up. Things tend to feel easier once all your kids are independent. Yes, hold on to each other!  

 

Unfortunately forty years in, the romantic love began to fizzle, and he decided it was time for a new lady and not coming home all the time. He had taken up a mistress when life’s stressors mounted and the new women helped ease some of the troubles he was feeling. The new women eased some of his troubles, but also introduced a new slew of problems for he and his wife and his kids. He and his mistress together wrecked the marriage he was in at the time, and destroyed the home life for his children temporarily. Maybe thinking through how his choices would impact not only himself, but also his wife and his family would have been the better decision.

 

The oldest kids in the family were happy to be getting married, moving out and in with their own spouses. Being able to avoid the home that was shattering and the constant battleground. The younger ones also felt the stress of a marriage ending, but were kind of stuck. It was hard on all of their children, being stuck in the middle of their quarreling parents. Quite a heavy load to put on younger hearts and minds.  

 

Grandmother was angered by the Catholic church for allowing their marriage to be annulled. She grew up a Southern Baptist from Kentucky and to her, marriage and her vows meant something. “You can’t just say a marriage never existed after ten kids and that many years together,” she would remark. She recalls converting to “Catholicism” in order to marry into her husband’s family, and later getting “burned” by his Church. I sensed some animosity toward the Catholic church and maybe even a little regret in giving up some of her baptist roots for this man she had married. The Catholic church’s emphasis on the virgin mother, and the special place she held in the church were important she would say. The motherly figure being exalted and adored was the only thing she ever really liked about that church, and midnight mass at Christmas. At the time her Southern Baptist upbringing taught her to be submissive to her husband and to kind of keep her opinions to herself. I’d like to think that Grandpa helped change that in her a bit, he liked an opinionated woman. She would teach him some things she had learned about coming from the Baptist church.   

 

Later in life her ex-husband would say it didn’t matter which Church you were involved in as long as Jesus’s teachings and the Gospel message were being taught. Some of her church values appeared to have rubbed off on him. I like to view it as a beautiful blend of the two Christian faiths. These two seemed to talk about spiritual matters and it impacted the way they tried to live. Biblical principles were the foundation starting out in their marriage, children were a blessing, and family life was central to a happy and full life.

 

But then she would bring up how ending their marriage was the easiest option for her now ex-husband. It sounded like she would have wanted to stay in their marriage if she had any choice in the matter. He was the quitter, threw in the towel and abandoned his wife and family when things got tough. The younger mistress was perceived as more fun, loving and had more energy for his sexual appetite.

 

You could tell by listening that she hadn’t gotten past the failed marriage. Her fault in the marriage she said was that she was a little “high maintenance” and wanted her husband to lavish her in expensive gifts. To him that was probably very unrealistic given the fact that together they decided on having a big family, and that meant money went toward feeding them, supplying them with clothing, food, school materials, and paying a mortgage.  Maybe if they had sat down together as husband and wife to create a life vision and financial plan to begin with, reviewed finances, made decisions together, and set aside discretionary spending so she could buy a new purse once a year at Christmas or that expensive sweater that could have helped them out.

 

Maybe if he would have seeked wise counsel, one of his brothers would have told him to stop complaining, and to see things from his wife’s perspective, she is probably feeling some stress too. If one of his brothers would have guided him and talked to him about how marriages hit rough patches at times, and that’s okay because you work through some things. Or that marriage was supposed to be this long term and forever commitment of making each other better people, but you’ve got to stick it out in order to have it work. But that didn’t happen.

 

So after the annulment this Grandma went back to work full time because she needed to support herself. She was one of the hardest working salespersons, and the # 1 sales person of Vitamix machines for a number of years in a row. Healthy competition was a trait she instilled in her family. You don’t need to backstab, talk bad about, or tear down your competitors, just excel at what you do she would say. She took great pride in her sales accolades and it was probably great for her self-esteem after the annulment. This older, newly singled woman had great relationships with her co-workers, her life was full again and she had work to focus on instead of the dissolved marriage.

 

Reflecting together Grandma stated that she would always love her now ex-husband of over forty years. It was a love that would never fade. She had other men that were definitely interested in a romantic relationship later in life and tried to pursue her, but she wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Grandma would say she married once and those forty years were enough for her to last a lifetime. The vows she took meant something to her even if they didn’t to him. Her ex-husband played a big part in giving her, her life’s most precious gifts (their ten children), they were a husband and wife for over 40 years, and for that she would always be grateful.

 

Then after the emotions of going through the annulment wore off, she seemed to demonstrate how to be respectful of the position he still held in the family as her children’s father. That was a pretty wise move on her part. It took some time getting there, but she knew her kids still needed their dad and they needed the two of them to be amicable. They saw their children equally, but separately. The big family still got together, but at different times with each parent. He seemed to show respect toward her too later on and the position she held as their mother.

 

She felt that the stress of raising ten kids and the financial stressors that went along with it, is what eventually tore their marriage apart. I sensed some sadness in her voice as she commented on this. And then with a chuckle she said, “and he never was a very good lover.” Another good coping skill she passed on to her kids. Being able to laugh at things and cope.

 

I can only guess that maybe he was taker and never a giver. Maybe he was a little selfish instead of sacrificial in his love. Maybe he was interested in his own needs being met first instead of second. Or it just could have been he didn’t know what to do to keep the emotional and physical love life alive for her, and he never initiated that conversation. Maybe she was expecting too much from him to keep their love life alive. Her love language was definitely receiving gifts and perhaps he never caught onto this. He needed words of affirmation and physical affection and perhaps she was only willing to give those after her own needs were met, which didn’t really happen. And then there was the nagging! A tactic she used to try to motivate him to work, but it broke him down instead. The nagging was habitual, instead of being a tool used occasionally, and reserved only for when something urgently needs to get done.

 

And maybe if they had someone point out that men can suffer from depression. He wasn’t being lazy, but probably experienced a couple bouts of clinical depression due to not being able to provide as well as he had hoped for his ten kids. Or if there was education on how hormonal changes could impact his wife after birthing children and/or during menopause. Or if she had education on midlife for him and his fears around losing his sexual ability. A man might wonder if it’s wife or him causing him to experience an only mostly stiffy when previously he could get a full hard-on. He still loves her but can’t get a full erection. That’s when it’s okay for him and/or her to looks at those photos of his wife from her twenties/thirties and forties that he intentionally saved all these years. Or if someone had educated them on that sexual intimacy might look different to both him and her at 25 years old compared to 65. And if they could have laughed together about aging bodies and been okay with those changes.

 

Maybe if the societal norm was different for women at that time, and wives were encouraged to go back to work to help out with finances that could have benefited this marriage. I was left feeling a bit saddened seeing the possibilities of what could have happened if someone had only intervened to help this couple out.

 

Grandmother never did elaborate as to what exactly made him a bad lover, but she just encouraged this young interviewer to speak up and take control of her life. Her encouragement to young ladies was to have some form of financial independence, and get the love and life they wanted. Her only two real regrets after 70 years of life: being married to one man for over forty years, but never having an emotionally/sexually satisfying relationship with him, and the second and biggest to her was having a failed marriage that was supposed to last a lifetime. It mattered to her personally but also for the sake of her family.

 

Ten Life Lessons from a 70 year old Grandma:

  1. Plan ahead and know how many children you can have without the cost of rearing them well becoming a financial and relational burden on your marriage. A crumbling marriage (foundation) is no good for the rest of the house structure.
  2. Despite what any church teaches family planning, birth control and/or vasectomies are beneficial. Family planning and financial planning go together and matter to your marriage in a big way!
  3. The Catholic Church should get rid of the annulment process. You can’t say a marriage of over forty years never happened. Technically it made all of their kids bastards. A whole family tribe turned off to the church by one annulment. Many descendants coming from one line not really going to church anymore. If started out in a church setting together as husband and wife, get back to it. We recommend Passion City Church online because it works for our family currently.
  4. Divorce should be a last resort, but if you decide to go there take a lot of time and seek out wise counsel. Wise counsel should always point you back to your marriage vows, taking a time out if it’s needed, and reconciling matters first. Make sure your wise counsel has a male/female perspective and they are invested in you as a married couple and family. No ulterior motives like that friend who is still single or a new divorcee looking for someone to rebound date with. Or that friend of your wife’s whose Dad’s friend is a divorce attorney. Your wise counsel should love you two as a couple, and want to see you succeed as a couple and as family because they love you.
  5. Think of your kids too. How is your decision going to impact them? Is this temporary and just life stressors? Do you want quick and easy or committal love? If you’re going to separate and divorce, be nice. Your kids are watching. They need to see you being respectful to each other.
  6. Ladies, once your kids are in school go back to work even if it’s part-time. Prince charming doesn’t always stick it out to the end. Some form of financial independence is a good thing. #Slay! And even if your Prince continues to be fabulous you can still help work toward some of that discretionary spending increase.
  7. Show your kids how two adults that love each other can argue/disagree in a respectful way, and then find solutions together. You can love someone and not like that at times, but the love [action verb] is what keeps you two together.
  8. Wives, know husbands can experience depression too. Get an understanding of symptoms and how to it presents differently in men. Also, let him know because you love him, you want to see him better. Work with a therapist and/or psychiatrist to set goals and encourage each other on the pathway to wellness.
  9. Get a basic understanding of female anatomy and how hormonal changes may impact your wife. Her hormones can look like bad weather, it is likely to come at fairly predictable times throughout the year. Pay attention and look for warning signs. Know when to seek shelter 🙂
  10. Ladies, speak up in the bedroom if you’re not satisfied. He won’t know unless you tell him what you need or vice versa. Buy a clit vibrator. It’s a guaranteed orgasm each and every time! It’s fabulous for when you are a tired mom with kids in the home. A real time and marriage saver 🙂

Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Lessons on dealing with the silent treatment: Music Musing: Cold by Maroon 5

The lyrics below are from Cold by Maroon 5….

 

Are we taking time or a timeout?

I can’t take the in between

Asking me for space here in my house

You know how to fuck with me

Acting like we’re not together

After everything that we’ve been through

Sleeping up under the covers

How am I so far away from you?

Distant when we’re kissing

Feel so different

Baby tell me how did you get so

Cold enough to chill my bones

It feels like I don’t know you anymore

I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me

With every breath you breathe

I see there’s something going on

I don’t understand why you’re so cold, yeah

 

Thanks Adam Levine and crew for taking the time to write and sing a song that many people can relate to. Husbands often report experiencing the cold shoulder tactic. It is frustrating, we know. So if you’re left wondering why your lady is doing this and what you can do about it, we are here to try to help ya out.

So what is being cold or giving someone the cold shoulder you ask? Well, it’s deliberately ignoring someone. The person acting in a cold manner withdraws from the relationship and/or intentionally takes away something her spouse wants, her attention. Ladies often do this when they are upset with their spouse, and they are waiting for their husband to recognize they have been hurt by something he has or has not done.

The Cold Shoulder Treatment: A Scenario

Julie and Mark make plans to attend their youngest child’s soccer game together on Saturday afternoon. Julie is looking forward to it because Mark has had some work travel and time away from the family. She normally doesn’t mind Mark’s work travel, but her dad just found out he has to have additional medical testing done after some preliminary results came back positive. Julie is upset because her dad may have an serious medical concern and Mark has been unavailable to talk to her about it. Then Mark’s buddy calls him up and offers him tickets to the MLS that happens to be at the same time as their youngest son’s soccer game on Saturday. Mark tells Julie, “Hey, honey, so and so offered for me to go with him to the MLS game on Saturday. I  told him I could so it’s on you to attend the game on Saturday. Oh and don’t forget it’s our week to bring snacks and a drink.”

So Julie gives Mark the glaring eye and leaves the room. She refuses to speak to him for the next two nights. Any time he tries to get her to talk, she just turns on walks away. The ladies reading this are thinking, how does Mark not know what he has done wrong her?? The guys reading this are thinking, how is Mark suppose to know what he has done wrong if Julie doesn’t tell him.

Problem Solving: Why is she giving me the cold shoulder?

Why does Julie give Mark the cold shoulder her? She is wanting Mark to recognize he’s done some perceived wrong or has hurt her somehow. When Mark notices her being beginning to act cold, he’s going to recognize the behavior by verbally saying, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset, and that’s why you’re withdrawing right now. I’m sorry.” Mark doesn’t have the slightest idea yet why he is apologizing, but that’s the first step. He recognizes her behavior as being cold and without putting blame on her, he just states he can see she is upset and he’s sorry.

Next, you’re going to ask her to help you out. You don’t want her upset. You love her and you want her to help define the problem so together you can think of solutions.

She will love if you are able to analyze the past couple of days and take note of things going well up until a certain point. So if you are Mark you may have noticed she was warm until you mentioned going to the MLS game instead of the kid’s soccer game. You start here…

“Honey bunny, I noticed you seemed upset after I mentioned going to the game with so and so? Normally, you’re cool with that sort of thing. Was it that or was there something else?” questions Mark.  Good job, Mark!  You’re on your way to figuring out why you’re getting the cold shoulder.

Let him out of the dog house… vulnerability is healthy!

Julie, “Yeah, Mark I’m upset because we had planned to go to our son’s game together on Saturday.” Julie throws up her hands and shakes her head. He begins to see her tear up. Now she feels cared for because he noticed her being upset so she can begin to show her real emotions.

Mark asks for more, “So you’re upset because we aren’t going to the game together on Saturday? So and so did offer tickets. I haven’t seen him in a few months and we’re going to talk about a potential client while there. Maybe I should have asked you first. I know I’ve had a bit of travel lately.”

Julie still gives short responses, “Yeah you should have. I haven’t even been able to talk to you.” She begins to cry.

He thinks of when her menstrual cycle should begin. Nope not this week, so he continues to listen. There must be more going on. “Julie, what else is going on?”

Critical thinking moment: Mark knows that Julie isn’t the type to engage in “silent treatment manipulation” or using the cold shoulder to get what she wants.  His intuition also lets him know that this seems a little more than just being upset about the soccer game.  Thinking like this about your spouse and understanding their behavior can be very helpful in a relationship. It can also help you when dealing with the silent treatment so you can analyze what’s going on.

Dealing with the silent treatment: Patience, empathy, and listening

“My dad got his preliminary test results back and now they need to send him for more. It doesn’t sound very good. I’m just upset about that. Plus, we haven’t been able to talk about it. The kids have been busy with school and sports. I was really looking forward to the car ride with you. That would have been our only real time to talk over the last couple of weeks. I’m feeling disappointed and yes, I wish you would have asked me first,” Julie explains.

“Thanks for explaining that,” Mark states. “Now it makes sense to me why you were ignoring me. You were feeling hurt. How about  I call so and so and tell him I can’t go on Saturday. I want to go with you because that’s what I said I would do. We do need that time together because things have been busy.”

Julie says, “Thank you. And if you need to reschedule something with so and so to talk about that client how about next Tuesday when you’ve been home and while I’m talking so and so to practice?”

   Guys just recognize the behavior, and think through dealing with the silent treatment.  Then draw out of her what’s really going on. Hopefully you now understand a little bit more of why women act cold, how to recognize it, and what to do to communicate effectively so your relationships gets back to normal as soon as possible.  You love one another, learn effective communication!

Most Lifelike Dildo: The Vixen Bandit!

We have crowned the most lifelike dildo of them all!  The Vixen Bandit!  He’s the winner!  If you’re looking for a well-endowed dildo that feels like the real thing, if not a little larger (and better) than real life, then this is the one to get!  Check out all the details below!

Most Lifelike Dildo: Perfect texture!

Flexible dildo! Mostly stiffy!Check out the pictures here! This dildo has it all.  First of all, the dual-density VixSkin material is pretty wonderful and realistic.  Check out the flex though: it’s a mostly-stiffy!  The core isn’t a rock solid hard-on, but more of a flexible boner.  This helps with the larger size of this dildo.  It is a little longer than the average penis, so the softer core won’t feel like it’s poking your cervix.  The head has a full half-inch of the softer outer material, so it cushions if you happen to “bottom out.”

 

Hairbands! Ouch! It's okay, it's not real...Wow, look at that cushion for the pushing!Also, check out the hair bands wrapped around this wonderous provider of satisfaction and stimulation. Those hair bands are fairly tight and you can see that they cause some indentation in the outer core. But they don’t squeeze halfway into the dildo. This is pretty funny, but I had my husband also perform the same wrapping with the hair bands while he had a hard on. The result was approximately the same give. That’s one key factor that makes the Bandit the most lifelike dildo – the outer skin and head are both amazingly lifelike.

 

Most Lifelike Dildo: Perfect size!

Slight upward curve!Look out below!He's long and strong!Look at that girth!
Well would you take a look at this beauty! In comparison to the Lelo Mona 2, it looks pretty large. Actually the girth is only slightly larger at the head than the Lelo Mona 2 at the head.  However, the base of  the Vixen Bandit gets a little more girthy as it goes down, so the base is pretty wide and wonderful.
Here are the “official specs”:

  • Length: 7.25 inches
  • Girth: 1.75 inches
  • Shape: Amazing

I’ll be honest – because the balls are so small, this dildo looks a little intimidating when it first shows up in the packaging. But when you take it out it’s so exciting that it feels just like a large penis in your hands!  I couldn’t stop shaking it and playing with it!

 

Okay, it looks great. But how lifelike does this dildo feel???

Wow!  Okay, I’ll admit, I was a little intimidated, but excited for my first time using the Bandit.  I had never held a dildo that felt just so amazing in my hands!  Plus, let’s face it – it was time to try something new. I’ll go into a little more detail in this description than I normally do, just because you need to understand just how wonderful and lifelike this dildo is.

How to properly warm up for a real penis or the most lifelike dildo ever

First, my husband and I set the mood.  First, a nice bubble bath all by myself (he set it up, got the temperature right, set up just two candles and some relaxing but sexy music – think Beyonce, Dance for You).  I took a shower first and shaved my legs and lady parts, then had my soak in the tub.  Then after drying off, he gave me a full body massage with some coconut oil and our Hitachi Magic Wand.  Then after warming up on externally on my clitoris and internally just a little with my wonderful Lelo Mona 2, and making sure the Vixen Bandit was lubed up with just a little coconut oil, I started gently letting just the head press against the opening while I used the Mona 2 on my clitoris.

Why do I into such detail?  Well, first of all, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about trying a new sex toy for the first time.  You might not be in the proper mood, or you might be a little too excited and not properly relaxed.  You should always take your time and enjoy the foreplay, even if you’re playing by yourself!

Enjoy the feeling and lose yourself!

Now, where were we?  Oh, yes.  The head.  It took about 30 seconds of gentle pressure – for which I’m grateful for the flexibility and softness of the head – but then I let out a moan of pleasure when it went in!  IT IS SO NICE!  The texture is perfect – just the right amount of friction.  And the girth is completely wonderful.  After this, I restrained myself and slowly inserted it until it seemed the girth of the base was getting to be a little much at the opening.  I felt how much I had left to go, and could tell that there was still another 2 or 3 inches left!  This Vixen Bandit is an exciting challenge.

Then it’s very gentle, pleasurable thrusting time.  Slow at first, then picking up the pace.  Then joining in the beat with the music!  I think Nicki Minaj, Feeling Myself was playing, which was very appropriate at the time!  In any case, I realized at one point that even though I’m not a moaner, I couldn’t help express the pleasure verbally and started biting the pillow!  I also realized that the whole dildo was easily sliding in and out now, and the girth of the base felt fantastic!  I had lost track of the Mona 2 on my clitoris, but after another 5 to 10 minutes of thrusting, I decided to add that fantastic clitoral vibratior to the mix, and then I was no longer able to restrain myself from orgasming any further!

And to top it off – I had never done thing before, I promise – I suddenly felt a gush of liquid so that I had to pull out the Bandit!  Yes, the Vixen Bandit made me “squirt” for the very first time!  I didn’t think this was a real thing before now, but I had a large wet area on the bed!  Unbelievable.  I say this is the most lifelike dildo, but I think it’s better than real life.

Not Amazing Packaging for this “Package”!

No, the packaging isn’t amazing.  But it’s not complex either.The most lifelike dildo ever comes in the most boring package ever  You don’t need scissors and a welding torch to open it.  The box it comes in is just a plain cardboard box, and the shipping address was something very generic.  You’re not getting a package from “Dildos, Inc.”

But honestly, who cares!  This dildo is amazing!  I don’t say that about every sex toy we review here.  If you’re shopping for a dildo, do yourself a favor and buy this one.  I don’t think you’ll ever need another.

A HUGE THANKS to our friends at Vixen Creations for creating the most lifelike dildo ever, but also a huge thanks for sending us one for this review.  The sales team there is fantastic and incredibly responsive!  If you want to buy one direct from them, here’s the link to the Vixen Bandit.  However, it’s about $50 less expensive on Amazon here with three different varieties to choose from:

“Take me home! Make love to me! You won’t regret it!!! Get one for your best friend too!  I make a great stocking stuffer, balls out!”

How to Shave Your Vagina Without Razorburn

How to shave your vaginaAt Women and Sexuality, we don’t just want to focus on sex sex sex… It’s almost March and you know what that means!  No, not March Madness – who cares about that.  I mean bikini season!  Or at least bathing suit season, not necessarily bikini season for some of us.  Now, whether you like it or not, summer brings fewer and fewer clothes.  And going to the pool!  Especially if you have kids!  And if you’re going to the pool, you’re going to want to remove more of that bush you’ve been using as a winter blanket.  But one of the things that keeps us from going totally bare down there is the fear of razorburn!!!  So, this tutorial is to help you know how to shave your vagina without getting razorburn!
how to shave your vagina - bad shaving

Tip 1 of 2: How to shave your vagina: Do not start with a lather of shaving cream!

So the first thing you do is to hop in the shower, get it real steamy, and head right for the shaving cream, right?  Wrong!  Yep.  I don’t start with shaving cream all over the place.  Here’s why:

  1. Shaving cream gets bulky and obstructs the view of your work!
  2. It washes off easily, leaving you no protection!
  3. It doesn’t help prevent razor burn.

Shaving cream is better than nothing, though!  Do not try shaving your vagina without some lubricant to help the blades glide smoothly over the skin!

 

 

But what should I use, then?

Okay, this article wasn’t just to tell you what not to do but also tell you how to shave your vagina.  This may sound odd, but trust me.  Get a little coconut oil.  REALLY.  Not vegetable oil, not soybean oil, not massage oil.  Get some coconut oil.  It’s inexpensive – get some on Amazon.  Get this one – the bottle will last you for months because you only need a little at a time:

Now, we’re pretty big fans of Coconut oil here at Women and Sexuality.  We have written about it’s benefits here:

6 Reasons to Use Coconut Oil as Lube and as Massage Oil

and here:

Is Coconut Oil Safe for your Vagina?

but hear me out here on why to use it for shaving.  What doesn’t dissolve in water like shaving cream???  That’s right – oil.  So when you apply some coconut oil all around your vagina and all through the hair, it forms a small barrier between the blades and the skin while lubricating so the blades slide smoothly.  If you really want to, go ahead and apply a thin layer of shaving cream on top of the coconut oil.  It’s a little overkill, but you’ll feel in your safe zone again.

Also, when you’re done showering, you’ll still be silky smooth down below!
vagina illustration - driection to shave

Tip 2 of 2: How to shave your vagina: Shave with the grain!

Even though this is the most important tip around how to shave your vagina, it comes second.  DO NOT START AT THE TOP OF YOUR VAGINA AND SHAVE UP!  Really.  And do not start at your labia and shave out toward your leg!

hair follicle

Here’s the thing: generally your pubic hair starts at the follicle and grows toward your vagina.  Then it gets all curly and bushy like a 70’s disco band.  But before it goes all bell bottoms on you, typically it starts growing toward your vagina to protect it and keep it cozy and warm.

Now, razorburn is actually when the razor blade comes in contact with the skin, meets hair at the follicle, and rips the skin along with the hair.  Check out the hair follicle image.  Notice the hair doesn’t just grow straight out from the skin!  You want to shave in the same direction as the hair is growing!  Guys have known this for years.  Hair on their faces grows down, while hair on their necks generally grows up.  So they shave down on their face and up on their necks!  So why are all us ladies shaving against the way the hair grows on our vaginas!?!

Bonus tip!

Your leg hair is typically not as thick as your public hair.  So you might not have an issue with razorburn on your legs.  But, if you do, try shaving down your leg, not up!  Your leg hair typically grows down toward your feet, so shave in the same direction if you’re getting razorburn, even with a new razor!

Sexy Adventures With a Couples Vibrator

Sexy Adventures With a Couples Vibrator

Adventure Sex!!!  With our Couples Vibrator!?!

That’s right.  We have found a lot of fun adventured to be had with a Couples Vibrator and a little creativity.  Sex can get a little boring after you’ve been married for years, so sometimes you need to spice it up!  We have found many ways to give sex some sex spice, and the couples vibrator has been a great one!

To give some insight, we are using either the Lelo Tiani 3 or our We-Vibe Sync, the newest couples Vibrator from We-Vibe.

Below, we will introduce you to several sexy adventures we have had together with our couples vibrators.  Hopefully they will inspire you to purchase one of these amazing sex toys for yourselves!

Couples Vibrator – On the Road!

“On the road” in this case doesn’t mean that a spouse is travelling for work… it means we’re driving!  For this adventure, we happen to be on a driving trip from Denver to a lake house we rented southern Montana.  In a big ol RV!  Yep, we flew to Denver, rented a giant Coachman – the nicest one they had and it looked almost brand new, and took 2 days to slowly drive each way.  The scenery on the drive was … stunning.  My hubby usually isn’t the best at planning a romantic getaway, but he really went big with this one.  And he got it all right.  Lake house, romantic drive, nice accommodations, planned stops along the way, entertainment for the kids… amazing.

Getting turned on…

We were holding hands in the front while driving the big rig and I was thinking about how nice the trip was already.  In “code” he was telling me quietly how nice the evenings were going to be also after the kids went to bed and that he had some other things planned!  But he wouldn’t tell me!  He gave me some hints that it included sexy outfits and some massaging.  The combination of all these things started to get me squirming a little bit in the passenger seat.  The kids were glued to the TV in the back all morning, but we knew they would get tired pretty soon after we stopped for lunch.  So at the first rest stop about 4 hours in, I decided to have a little fun and prep the couples vibrator… it was fully charged before we left, so we had plenty of juice for the drive.

 

I walked back to the motorhome a few minutes before my hubby and the kiddos and used just a little lube to slide the toy in.  Slipping back up my underwear and pants, and it’s held pretty well in place.  Now, before anyone gets offended, we have a strict rule to completely divide any sex (talking, thinking, acts, etc.) when the kids are around.  Obviously, come on – that would be weird.  BUT, the kids hadn’t napped yet and we knew they were due for a long nap here after waking up early, travelling, and eating some lunch.

Sex and Scenery!!

I was ready and really excited.  This would be the first time we had done this while driving, and I was fully energized after drinking some coffee.  Sure enough, the back got quiet after about 20 minutes of driving.  So I let hubby in on my surprise and handed him the remote!  He was super turned on.  He waited a few minutes and we talked a little more about what we were going to do in the evenings.  Then without notice, he gave me a little zap that I wasn’t expecting and caused me to yelp a little!  Hahaha, after laughing for a minute or so, he turned it back on low while making sure he was being careful to watch the road.  The kids were totally zonked out, so he started telling me how sexy I was looking in my comfy travel yoga pants.  I really got going when he started just a little naughty talk about nipple play and how sexy it was to see my hips moving while turning up the vibration intensity.

I was getting close to orgasm when he turned it back down to low!  The drive was going to be pretty long. Neither of us wanted this entertainment to end quickly!  So after he got me close to orgasm a few more times, I told him I the next time to not turn it off and let me climax.  So he did and it was amazing!

The scenery, spontaneity, and sexy talk was the perfect start to an amazing sexy weekend!

Couples Vibrator – At the Movies!

We try to keep to our weekly date night, even if it’s just watching a movie together at home with just the two of us after the kids have gone to bed.  Last Christmas though, my parents were over and surprise!  Hubby had arranged with them to watch the kids while we went for dinner and a movie.  4 or 5 hours with just the two of us!  I was excited.  We got all done up and ready for our 6:00 reservation.  And dinner was amazing!  Just like when we were dating, my hubby sat on the same side of the booth as me, rather than apart so we can snuggle while we eat and drink.  It was like we were in our early 20’s again 🙂

My favorite sexy dress

Conversation was great.  Food was great.  He looked and smelled great.  He told me likewise.  I don’t get many opportunities to wear my dressy clothes, so I had worn the black dress that I typically think is just a little too short, my big wedge shoes, and just a tiny bit more makeup than I wear on a normal day.  I felt sexy.  I had been working hard in the gym and running and watching what I eat for the last 2 months, so I was down 10 pounds and feeling great.  So I thought I would show off a little for him!  Yep, feeling confident.  I even wore his favorite black thong under the dress that I typically think is too short.  You better believe I was careful walking, sitting, and any time I had to bend over a little!  But I know he likes it.

We both had a glass of wine at dinner, then another.  Two glasses is my max – I start feeling it after one!  We’re not big drinkers.  Anyway, we started talking about the blog and the next review I was going to write, and his hand kept feeling my leg, even though I was holding the top of his hand.  It’s a good thing we had the corner booth closest to the kitchen and it was dark in there!  Nothing naughty but we both wanted more.  Then he surprised me by telling me that he had brought the couples vibrator to use while at the movie!  He had hid it in my purse without me knowing!  Now I was excited.

Trying to keep my cool and act like I wasn’t being secretly stimulated in public!

I didn’t want to put it in at the restaurant because I was wearing … a thong and a short dress!  So we went to the theater, which is right across from the restaurant, and I stopped in the restroom after we found our seats.  I walked carefully back to our seats clenching my vaginal muscles in fear that it would fall out!  I had it pretty snug and I don’t think it would have, but anyway, I wasn’t taking any chances.

So about 5 minutes into the movie, while it was fairly loud, he took the remote from my purse and turned the couples vibrator on low… and I started to squirm in my seat, even though I tried not to!  Good grief… I couldn’t control myself!  It was the first time we had done anything where others were around and might potentially notice.   I was totally turned on by how naughty this was!  So needless to say, I orgasmed, and probably looked like there was something wrong with me even though I tried to stay cool.  At least I didn’t have anyone sitting right beside me or directly behind me.

I left the couples vibrator in.  I had mostly forgotten about it after about 45 minutes. The movie was engaging.  Then my hubby turned our couples vibrator on again!  I almost gave out a little yelp!  It was amazing the second time also – feeling the vibrations inside and out… wonderful.  A second orgasm and probably looking awkward.

The finish to an amazing night

I took our couples vibrator out in the restroom on the way out and hung on his arm on our way out to the car.  We got home and the kids were in bed asleep!  Grandparents are the best.

Then I rode my hubby like we were newlyweds!  And again, I wore our couples vibrator while we did it.  He had planned a wonderful, romantic, sexy surprise evening.  And he made me feel desired.  I wanted to show him how I appreciated it and how he made me feel pursued.

Best date night ever.

Which Couples Vibrator to get?

There are many adventures you can have with a couples vibrator.  I hope to add more of our adventures to this blog entry in the coming weeks.  It is a great way to spice up your sex life in ways that other sex toys cannot!

For all-around features and functionality, I would recommend getting the We-Vibe Sync.  Especially for couples that have to be apart for work travel on a regular basis.  It’s not cheap but it’s a great investment!

Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review

The Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is a great rabbit vibrator on a budget. Our friends at Carvaka Sex Toys were nice enough to send us one for review, and we enjoyed the experience. It’s not the most amazing vibrator, but it’s pretty great without spending $100. Let’s take a look at the vibration, size, and shape of this nice rabbit vibrator.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator – Vibration Strength and Patterns

This vibrator has more features than our recently reviewed Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator.  It has a similar patterns, but the big improvements (besides the nicer size and shape, which we’ll get to later) are the three vibration strengths.  Check out the video below.  Again, just like the Mini Rabbit, there are only two control buttons – one for power and the other to circulate through the vibration modes.  The first three vibration modes are the power settings – low, medium, and high.  You have to go through these intensity settings to get to the vibration patterns.

Note the ears vibrating.  These are pretty wonderful.  Really.  They’re about 3/4 of an inch long also, which helps to “straddle” the clitoris and provide stimulation on both sides.  They’re not super limp ears also like the “jelly” rabbit vibrators, so they provide a good amount of stimulation to the clitoris.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 3

The patterns on this vibrator are pretty decent, though we’ve never been a huge fan of variable vibration.  Just listen to it on high though – it’s pretty buzzy, but the vibration is pretty great.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 4

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator – Size and shape

As we already pointed out, the ears on the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator are pretty great.  Because they are about 3/4 of an inch long, and there’s a bit of an overhang also before the arm, you get stimulation directly on top of the sensitive clitoris center, as well as the sides.

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 1You’ll also see from the pictures that the shape differs pretty significantly from the Lelo Mona 2 g-spot vibrator.  We have started taking pictures to compare size and shape to the Lelo Mona 2 there’s a common size reference point.  You’ll see that the insertable length is about the same as the Mona, maybe a little shorter.

 

 

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 5

 

Also, the inserted tip is significantly smaller, so it goes in easier than the Mona, but it’s not as full feeling inside.  However, the neck of the Mona 2 tapers quite a bit, so while it’s inside, you don’t get the fuller stretching feeling at the vaginal opening that you get from the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator.

 

 

Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator Review 2The insertable side also has a wave to it that’s pretty obvious to see from the pictures.  But what’s not as easy to tell is that on the top there are some small gentle ridges going lengthwise.  The ridges are pretty nice since they give some texture to the sex toy, but they’re not a major feature.

 

Overall Impression of the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator

Overall, the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is a pretty wonderful rabbit vibrator for those who are on a budget.  You don’t need to spend $100 for a rabbit vibrator that will give you leg clenching orgasms on the inside and out.  Though you’ll need to keep some AAA batteries on hand, this rabbit vibrator is a great choice, especially if you’re looking for your first rabbit vibrator.

Where to buy the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator

If you want to buy straight from the manufacturer, the Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator product page is here.  We haven’t seen it listed on Amazon, though if it is listed, we’ll post the link below.  Enjoy your new sex toy!

Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review

The Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is a pretty good mini vibrator.  Our friends at Carvaka Sex Toys were nice enough to send us one for review!  It’s much better than the first vibrator we used – the infamous Butterfly Kiss.  If you have used vibrators before, especially rabbit vibrators, you probably won’t be impressed by this one.  But if you’re new to vibrators, especially g-spot vibrators or rabbit vibrators, this one is not intimidating at all and might be a great, inexpensive one to start with.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator – Vibration Intensity and Patterns

Check out the video below to see the vibration modes and intensity.  The vibrator is pretty simple.  It has two buttons.  One for the power, and the other to switch between the vibration modes.  As you’ll see in the video, the the vibrator is either on or off.  There is no changing the intensity level, which is kind of a bummer.

The first change in vibration mode is to switch off the vibrator in the insertable head, only leaving the clitoral vibrator going.  Then push the button again and only the head vibrates.  Then pushing the mode button again switches them both on but starts the patterns.  The patterns are actually more enjoyable in this vibrator than others we have used, and I was happy that there were only a couple modes to choose from.

You can see the control buttons in the image below.  Also, note that this is powered by two AAA batteries.  Also kind of a bummer since you always need to make sure you have batteries on hand in case they start to wear out in the middle of a session.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 1

 

 

 

 

 

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review – Size and Shape

The Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is pretty small.  That can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what you’re going for.  We have started to compare our vibrators in size and shape compared to the Lelo Mona 2.  The Mona 2 is a pretty wonderfully sized g-spot vibrator (and a wonderful vibrator in general), so this gives you a standard size comparison.  You can see that the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator is quite a bit smaller than the Lelo Mona 2.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 3

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 4

 

 

 

 

 

However, it does have a nice little curve on the end that hits your g-spot nicely.  Many ladies’ g-spots aren’t buried deep inside – typically only 2 or 3 inches in – so the size here works out pretty well, though it’s not going to give a very filling feeding internally.

Because of the shape of the clitoral ear though, if you want to maintain feeling on the clitoris, there’s going to be minimal thrusting with the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator.  If you pull out only slightly, you’ll lose the clitoral stimulation because there aren’t the “ears” of other rabbit vibrators, such as the Carvaka Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator, which we also reviewed here on Women and Sexuality.

Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator Review 2

Overall impression of the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator

Though this vibrator isn’t the most impressive as far as power or size, it is a pretty good, inexpensive vibrator.  If you are new to vibrators and are just looking for something to spruce up your sex life on a budget, this vibrator isn’t a bad choice.  If you have used vibrators before though, you probably won’t be overly impressed with this one.  For those of you who have used g-spot vibrators and are looking for your first rabbit vibrator – also on a budget – the Naughty G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator is probably a better choice for you.

Where to get the Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator

If you’re interested in buying this toy, and want to buy straight from the manufacturer, here’s the Carvaka Waterproof Silicone Mini Rabbit Vibrator product page

If you would prefer to buy from Amazon, here’s the link to the Amazon page:

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship?

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship?

Sexual Transformation Needed In Your Relationship? We’re here to help!

A lot of people report living their entire lives NEVER reaching their full potential in the arena of sexual arousal/pleasure. Maybe you and your partner take different pathways to arousal (and never communicate this difference), you get stuck in old patterns that lose their arousal response after a while (because you’ve become habituated to the stimulus), and/or you grew up learning that sex was a word that had a real negative connotation to it.

If you need to transform your sex life here are some words of wisdom to help you along:

  • Remember, sex is a sacred act between spouses. It was intended for good!
  • Set mutually established sensual or sexual goals for your relationship.
  • Make time for sex. Put it on the calendar. View these appointments as a sacred commitment between you and your spouse.
  • Realize you are your own expert when it comes to YOUR sexual arousal and desire. You are the teacher here!
  • Establish a safe way to talk about sex. When your spouse is being vulnerable, be careful with your response. Try to talk about positives first and communicate what you NEED from your spouse, instead of what your spouse is doing wrong.
  • Accept and honor differences between the two of you. You’re not going to agree on everything. Always find the middle ground.
  • Many individuals report not feeling like having sex until they are already having sex. Sometimes it feels like going to the gym. You don’t want to but once you get there, you’re glad you went. Just get things started!
  • If you get stuck in old patterns, it’s okay to ask for a novel experience to try out together.
  • Introducing sexual stimulation tools doesn’t have to be weird/dirty/kinky. Think of sexual stimulation tools,  like your kitchen equipment. No, you don’t NEED that food processor, but it sure does get the job done in half the time. Or that pasta maker with a different attachments, it gets you a variety of meal options to choose from.  

Valentine’s Day 2017

Valentine’s Day 2017

Valentine’s Day 2017 is fast approaching so you better start planning. This year you’re going to skip the easy to buy gifts and wow her instead with something a little more meaningful and thoughtful. We’ve got two ideas that don’t cost any money at all, but are more sentimental in nature.

Idea One:

Your Wedding Vows- remember those things? This was the contract of love and commitment you had pledged to one another in front of your closest friends and family. Go find those vows and make a little handwritten keepsake to put on your night stand. Think nice paper and penmanship in a beautiful frame. After the kids go to sleep make sure to bring this gift to her and say this year you want to reflect together on how your doing as a married couple. What in your marital contract are you doing well with and what are some areas you could maybe improve upon (you’re a pretty amazing hubby so not much to improve on). She may love the sentimental nature of this gift and the emotional connection you’re making when talking about how you two are measuring up against your wedding vows.

Idea Two:

Serenade Her- think either the song you two danced to together at your reception or her new favorite love song. Make it meaningful. Are you going to sing acapella or with musical accompaniment? PRACTICE! You don’t have to be a great vocalist, but make sure you put worth effort rehearsing this. Forgetting the words halfway through is no bueno! Now think of the location- if she is more of a private person, go ahead and sing to her at home. Just make sure it’s in a nice and tidy area of the home. If she loves public displays of affection, maybe go for a shopping mall or botanical garden type of venue. Lastly, be confident. Confidence is sexy!!!

Hopefully these ideas will help you plan ahead on ways to keep your love life interesting and romantic this Valentine’s Day.

Let us know which option you went with and how your lady responded in the comments section!

How to Trim Your Bush

How to Trim Your Bush

How to Trim Your Bush: Some things to ponder and some products we love for trimming our bush. Personal Trimmers and Waxing Kits 101.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO MAKE THE CUT!  

You look down below and realize you’ve really neglected your bush- it’s crazy overgrown. It hasn’t had much attention lately and has really gotten out of hand. The first step is acknowledgment and the second step is to make a plan to trim this way back …

There are a couple of right ways to clean up this bush and a better time of the year to really trim it bare. 

Winter Months: Let this thing just take it’s natural shape. This is 70s style and the Europeans do it all the time, you remind yourself.

Spring: Grab a pair of these lady bush trimmers and find a comfortable location to begin your maintenance work. Next, decide how much you want to take off. Do you want to just give it a little shape around the edges? Maybe you’re feeling more daring today and want to remove the entire overgrown shrub? No, you decide. Save that one for when you go on vacation this summer.  You’ve got real landscaping skills and have an extra 5 minutes to yourself in the bathroom. You decide to trim your bush back but leave your hubby’s initials etched into it! He’ll love it you think to yourself!?!

Summer: You’re on trend so the Brazilian is the way to go. You agree to wax your crack if your hubby does his two. You buy your at home Brazilian waxing kit here, give it a try and then decide to never try that one again at home. Ooops, the wax ended up in a spot it probably was never intended to go. After a very painful and embarrassing visit to the ER you vow to never, ever speak with your spouse again. Please DO NOT attempt this at home! Trust the waxing professionals, they get paid the big bucks for a reason to do this job.

Fall: Time to use those lady bush trimmers again. Just one last maintenance trim to keep its  shape for the season. Or on those cool fall nights when you’re feeling energized, you trim the shrub back so he can see the windows on the house again. This is his signal its time to go down, down there.