4 Gifts to get your Wife for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner so we are here to help you out with this little reminder.  It’s time to start thinking about planning something to acknowledge this day for your spouse! Here are 4 gifts to get your wife on Valentine’s Day!

1. Flowers!

Flower are a nice gift once a year on Valentine’s Day. If you’re a stellar hubby, you remember to pick these up for her on random days throughout the year.  Just because. She’ll like this gift even more if you’ve taken the time to note what kind of flowers are her favorite (i.e. white calla lilies, red roses or yellow tulips).

2. Chocolates!

Chocolates in a small little box. You know she’s watching her weight now that she’s over 30, but still enjoys the occasional indulgence. Valentine’s Day is one of those days. Maybe she’ll actually be inspired to try oral sex again the following weekend since you’re going the extra mile, she might try to go the extra mile!

3. Coffee Cup!

Coffee Cup? Yes, coffee cups! Now that she’s a mommy of two she really depends on coffee to get her going in the morning and to push through until bedtime. All of that stuff you got from your wedding registry is starting to wear and tear so you begin replacing things here and there. Cute coffee cups make her smile and you know she enjoys a fancy cup of joe every once in awhile. Pair the cups with one of her favorite brands of coffee 🙂

4. Necklace!

The necklace doesn’t have to be the most expensive but something made of quality material so it lasts for years to come. The Mom Tag Duo Pendant from Tiffany’s is a nice example and is reasonably priced at $125. Mark and Graham also have a nice variety to choose from ranging from $105 and up.

Mix and match ideas to fit your budget. Pick out a cute romantic comedy to watch with her as you snuggle under a cozy blanket. Remember, no expectations on Valentine’s Day, but she’ll probably be inspired soon thereafter 🙂

Best Clit Stimulator: Favorite New Sex Toy

There is a whole new breed of sex toy that has come on the market over the last few years. The sex toy industry has not completely come to terms with exactly what to call these clitoral pleasure devices. Some call them sonic wave stimulators. Elsewhere they are air pressure stimulators or “clit suckers”. For us, we’re just going to call them Clit Stimulators, which is fairly generic. But we are so impressed with how good these are! Below is a comprehensive list of the Clit Stimulators on the market and our selection of the best clit stimulator available.

What are clit stimulators and how to they feel?

The Original and still the best clit stimulator: Womanizer

Best Clit Stimulator: Womanizer

The original clit stimulator was the Womanizer. Perhaps they would have completely captured the clit stimulator market if they had chosen a better name than something that sounds degrading to women. It was likely named by a guy. Talk about bad brand futureproofing!

You can’t find the original version any longer, but you have your choice between the less expensive Womanizer Pro 40, the Womanizer Pro, the Womanizer 2Go, and the Womanizer Plussize for larger ladies who have trouble reaching their clit comfortably with sex toys.

The Womanizer was the original, and it’s the most expensive, besides the Lelo product. But it’s still the best in our opinion. A close second though is the Satisfyer Pro 2, which we would highly recommend to anyone reading this.

The Best Clit Stimulator for your Money: The Satisfyer!!!

Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation
The best clit stimulation you’ll get for your money is the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation! Satisfyer was not the original clit stimulator on the market, but Satisfyer has been the most innovative and adaptive to the market. We have been incredibly impressed with the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation! This is the best clit stimulator in our opinion for what you are spending – especially in the bathtub! You’re better off buying one of these and spending the extra money on a few sexy costumes than buying the much more expensive Womanizer.

There are also a few other Satisfyer models to choose from:

  • Satisfyer Pro Penguin, which we thought was pretty odd and not nearly as good as the Pro 2
  • Satisfyer 2, which is pretty similar to the Satisfyer Pro 2, but it’s battery operated and less expensive.  You’ll end up liking the clit stimulator so much that you’re going to spend more on batteries than you are going to save on the price difference.
  • Satisfyer Pro Deluxe Next Gen, which isn’t quite as nicely designed as the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Gen.  We prefer the nicer handle and the extended head for more precise navigation of this clit stimulator.  HOWEVER, we do like that the head is more condensed so that if you’re using it during intercourse, then your partner can get closer during their thrusting.

The Most Stylish Clit Stimulator: The Lelo Sona Cruise!!!

Lelo Sona Cruise

The most stylish looking clit stimulator comes from the high-end and well-respected sex toy company, Lelo. The Lelo Sona is powerful and also has a feature they are building into all of their product lines, the Cruise feature. Cruise essentially saves some of the power of the device for when you are close to orgasm and you start to press your vibrator or the Sona clit stimulator harder against your clit. Some devices can lose power when they are pressed harder against you, so it’s a differentiating little feature

To us though, the clit stimulator is for the bedroom (or the bathtub!), but if having a sexy-looking sex toy is important to you, the Lelo Sona may be the best clit stimulator for you!

If you’re looking for clit vibrators, you’ll want to check out our post on the best clit vibrators!

Best Sexy Costumes on Amazon to Excite your Sex Life!

best sexy costumes
best sexy costumes

You’ve been married for years and you’ve started to expect what’s coming during your regularly scheduled sex.  What should you do?  Maybe spice it up with some costumes!  We’ve scoured the internet and found the best sexy costumes on Amazon for you! Is it wrong to have sex fantasies in your marriage? In our opinion, if they don’t cross your pre-established boundaries in your marriage, then go for it!

Sexy Costume Ideas for Women

Let’s start with our favorite costumes you would wear in the bedroom!  These are the best sexy costumes we’ve found for spicing up your sex life.

The classic sexy nurse costume is a sure winner! Play patient and help take care of those sensitive areas. Some ailments may need some “special medicine!”

The sexy maid is a must for any bedroom! You can even wear this one around the house! Make sure your rear is especially perky when cleaning down low!

What guy hasn’t dreamed about that sexy girl in school? Make his fantasy come true with this sexy schoolgirl costume!

Someone has been a bad boy! Find some handcuffs to go with this sexy policewoman costume!

Sexy Costume Ideas for Men

Look out guys! The costumes aren’t just for the ladies! Even though these costumes may get more laughs than “ooh baby”s, funny is also important in the bedroom!

This sexy policeman is straight from Reno 911! If your girl does the crime, she should do the “sexy time!”

Into Ancient Egypt? Who isn’t? Let her serve the Pharaoh when you’re wearing this sexy Egyptian costume!

Grab your “Bag & Pipe” for this costume!

Sexy Halloween Costume Ideas

Why the separate section? Some costumes you may want to be sexy but not too sexy that you can’t wear them out to a Halloween party before bringing the spice back to the bedroom at home. Below are our favorites for Halloween!

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Women

For those ladies who don’t know, Harley Quinn is the sexy anti-hero from Suicide Squad. You’ll be dressed to impress in this sexy Halloween costume.

Dress up as a Sexy Stormtrooper for the nerd in your life!

Sexy Halloween Costumes for Men

Sexy stormtroopers can be guys too. You’ll have to be sexy on the inside in this fully-covering costume, though!

Keep the streets safe when dressed up as Oliver Queen from Arrow! Or Robin Hood, I think this one could go either way.

6 Tips for Great Sex in Marriage!

Great sex in marriage

Consistently looking for ways to improve sex is a must for any healthy marriage!  Below are our tips on how to have great sex in marriage.

A great relationship leads to great sex in marriage!

In order to make sure your marriage is healthy and strong, set aside time and protect it from other obligations including work and extended family activities. This means going down to bare bones in order to make time for the important stuff. You’re married, with kids and have a job. You love your wife/husband and enjoy their companionship, are engaged with your kids when you’re not at work, and go to work because hopefully you enjoy it and are good at it, but also because it provides a nice living wage for your family, and then you go back to your happy home. Life stressors like raising kids and managing how to best position your family for helping out aging parents is enough on your plate.

Tips for a great relationship, leading to good married sex

Evenings should be reserved for connecting with your spouse!  To have great sex in marriage, set that time apart and prepare for it throughout the day, mentally and physically.

Our friends at the American Psychological Association posted a nice short article on the nine psychological ‘tasks’ of marriage. Please review at your leisure and maybe ask your spouse how he/she thinks you two are doing. Conversing is a nice way to bond, before making whoopie!

Research on what makes a marriage work shows that people in a good marriage have completed these psychological “tasks”:

  • Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.
  • Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.
  • Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
  • For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
  • Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.
  • Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
  • Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.
  • Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
  • Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

Thanks to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts.”

Next step to great sex in marriage: constantly keep it exciting!

This article is supposed to be about how to have great sex in marriage though, right?  Yes, and that begins with a great relationship, spending quality family time together, and focusing on nurturing each other’s feelings.  However, you also need to keep it new and exciting in the bedroom!  How?  Let’s review some of the tips from the section above and put them into the context of sex in married life.  These will be our…

Married Sex Tips!

  1. Separate a space for sex.  You spend your days chasing children, changing diapers, checking homework, etc.  You should keep those activities separate from the area in your house you typically have sex in.  That space should be dedicated to sex with your spouse.
  2. Separate a time for sex. Make a conscious effort to set aside a specific time where you will have energy and a sufficient amount of time to put all your attention into great sex for your marriage.
  3. Start with an intimacy mindset.  It’s not just about the sex.  Get close.  Make out and dry hump like you were dating again.  Turn on some music that you listened to while you were dating.  Sex in your marriage will be much better when you focus on being close.
  4. Keep sex fun!  It shouldn’t be your weekly Saturday sex.  Spontaneous sex is great!  Wear a funny costume one time and try a little to act the part!
  5. Do new things!  To have great sex in marriage, you can’t fall into a rut in your sex, even if you find a position where you always climax easily.  Keep it new!  If your spouse suggests something new, just go with it, as long as it doesn’t cross pre-established boundaries.
  6. Augment your married sex! We aren’t big fans of the term “sex toys”, but that’s the standard vernacular today, so we’ll go with it.  Don’t be shy about bring some sex toys into the bedroom.  A dildo is not a replacement for your penis!  A clit vibrator or one our our picks for the best clit stimulator will make you more likely to have sex more often because your wife is more likely to orgasm!

Brainstorm a little!  Set the atmosphere and have some great sex in marriage today!

Fantasy: imagine the occurrence of, fantasize about.

Fantasy: imagine the occurrence of, fantasize about.

FANTASY: imagine the occurrence of, fantasize about.

So you’ve been home alone for four days this week and hubby has been traveling for three weeks back to back and oops… A man that resembles a half naked Freddie Prinze Jr pops into your mind while the kids are at school and you are folding laundry. Hmm.. what’s he doing in here you wonder.  You haven’t seen him around that space since 9th grade when She’s All That came out. You remember him looking good, but never this good before. He smiles at you and waves. He begins singing to you like Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, and you kind of like it. Your Song.? How does he know that’s one of your favorites? You’re getting a little excited. You’re ovulating, and feeling friskier than ever.

This is so not like you. You’re a moral person. You are happily married to your spouse of X amount of years… but he continues. He leans down and he sweetly kisses you on the forehead. Adorable. Next, he looks you in the eyes, pulls you close to his body, and then slowly lifts you against his. Feeling his strong body against your petite frame has never felt so good. You do notice on the way up that he has an erection, and you likey. A little condensation forms on your granny panties. Had you known he was going to show up you would have put on something a bit sexier, but you stay in the moment.

His hand now on your derriere. Completely doting on you and you on him. You can see it in his eyes and you are loving it. And you completely enthralled by him too. He lays you on your bed and starts undressing you. He takes his time giving you little kisses along your panty line before taking them off completely… Occasionally between inner thigh kisses, he glances up at you with passion in his eyes. He knows the anticipation is driving you nuts. He  moves up toward your face again. What a tease he turns out to be. He begins softly whispering E.E. Cummings erotic poetry into your ear. You’re blushing. A little P & V action happens soon after. 

 What’s With These Fantasies and What Do I Do With These Thoughts?

  • You may acknowledge these thoughts as they are. Yep, those are fantasies. Nonjudgmental stance- it’s just a thought. Imagery and words coming into your head space. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
  • Maybe you decide you’re going to redirect that thought a bit and make it a better, a more pure version of the original. Hey, that’s not my hubby in that mental picture/thought. You edit Freddie Prinze Jr out and replace him with your spouse. Yeah, that’s better and more inline with your values and commitment. You do love your spouse, and he is your hottie! Discard, the not your husband, but keep the healthy fantasy part.

Note: You are not a horrible person if the thought of another person has popped into your head a few times over the course of your marriage. It can happen to the best of us, but it probably does matter what you do with those thoughts of another person. Don’t let the thought of the other person linger and take root in your mind. It’s not beneficial to your spouse and marriage. Discipline your mind and actions in order to guard your marriage bed. Evaluate if these thoughts come up more as a result of not being as sexually and emotionally connected to your spouse as you feel you need to be. Maybe even share with a close personal friend that you trust, and ask that they hold you accountable if  you it feel its needed. 

  • Disclose it to your spouse, and be careful in how you share. In confessing, you might say, hey honey bunny, “I’m feeling extra horny today and you’re not here. We’ve had some time apart. I’m in heat currently, and I had a little fantasy pop into my mind today. I’m wishing you were here for that. Yep, can we talk about that for a minute. Okay good, so I know you’re this highly intelligent, very disciplined man. Stellar athlete. You are kind and loving. Very business savvy. You’re a hottie with a body and an amazing father. I adore you. Then you get back to the point of the conversation. Next you say we both know you’re not a musician or a poet. You suggest that maybe the two of you explore that “fantasy world” some time. Those characteristics are kind of sexy and it’s just a small little fantasy. Nothing weird, degrading or demeaning EVER. You ask if he’s willing to be that hot musician or poet for just one night? The song/poetry doesn’t have to be original, he can copy and paste.   
  • Make the fantasy a reality. Listen to what the fantasy is actually about. In the above example, noting the more pure version [only your husband], it’s about a hot body and good looks.  It’s about passion and anticipation again. Slowly taking your time to arouse her. It’s about taking time to notice her love of music and lyrics. You’ve taken note of a couple of her favorite songs.. Sometimes she’s feeling a little bit country, mo town, R&B, or whatever. You can be styled to look the part.  Think an outfit like Brad Paisley or Mat Kearney. Normally you dress in business casual, but tonight’s going to be different. Singing to your wife is almost always going to be very sweet and sexy. She finds the creative process behind lyric writing to be intriguing? The same goes for writing poetic language. Each year you revisit this fantasy with different ideas:  
  1. Think of what mood you’re trying to set and chose an appropriate song to duplicate. You can start by simply putting a record on and singing along with the recording.
  2. Maybe you take some vocal lessons or learn a little piano or guitar. Show off for her sometime.  A little Van Morrison’s Crazy Love.
  3. You have more time to take a songwriting or poetry class, either solo or together. You share some of your creative writing.
  4. On an anniversary, you take her on that trip to Nashville. You get up on stage and with confidence belt out some current country songs. She scoots along on the dance floor admiring you from away. She’s taking in the image of her dream man up on stage. 
  5. Buy the E.E. Cummings Erotic Poetry book . It’s only 8.99 on Amazon. We haven’t read the entire thing, just parts. Dedicate time to memorizing parts of it and recite it. 

A Holiday Escape: The Biltmore Estate

A Holiday Escape: The Biltmore Estate

A Holiday Escape: The Biltmore Estate

Picture a gorgeous estate setting nestled among the mountains. 8,000 acres to stroll through with your loved one(s). Activities that can include carriage rides, hiking, and horseback riding. Beautiful gardens to experience, a charming village filled with world class restaurants, handcrafted beers and wines to sip on, shopping and exhibits to explore. The most elegant home ever, where the Vanderbilt’s lived. Indulge in a fantasy world, pretend to be royalty visiting this grand estate, even if just for a weekend.

Making The Most of Your Holiday Escape: The Biltmore Estate

Friday is spent traveling to the estate and then strolling through the many acres surrounding this stunning home, taking amazing photos with the majestic mountains as your backdrop, and dining casually  for a late morning brunch.

Knowing your wife and her love of impromptu teaching moments you begin to teach. You wow everyone when you provide an abundant amount of knowledge on the Vanderbilt’s and the estate as you walk the grounds. You talk with your kids about the Vanderbilt family legacy, the history behind the estate, and their philanthropy efforts. You also mention how the Vanderbilt’s provided many job opportunities employing architects, highly skilled trades workers and landscapers in order to create this masterpiece. They commissioned many artists to create elaborate tapestries and portraits to add the finishing touches. They were also known for making generous donations to charitable causes. You explain how the Vanderbilt’s taught their children the importance of purchasing natural resources, like land as a long-term investment strategy. Later on, you mention that the Vanderbilt family members were able sell a portion of their land to the U.S. National Forest Service so others could forever experience these beautiful protected mountains and lands. What a legacy. These are just a few examples of some of the history behind this amazing family and estate.

You use this trip as a fun, but also educational opportunity to start instilling philanthropy and business ideas into their your children’s minds. How can we use what we have to help others out you ask? What little artistic entrepreneurial business ideas can you think of? Just a couple of questions you begin to ask, and maybe even start up once you go back home. You know those winter months are long and you’ll need activities to keep little hands and minds busy.

Friday afternoon you get your little people dressed up in their Christmas time jammies and head up to Bryson City, NC to take a ride on THE POLAR EXPRESS! Make sure you don’t forget your tablet You’ve downloaded the movie to watch on the hour long drive to the train station. 

Saturday starts off with a relaxed breakfast at McDonald’s. You go cheap here so you can go all out for dinner. Next up,  garden exploration once you make it back to the estate.  You begin to teach the kids how to classify and categorize the different plants. With the younger one you are asking which colors he sees on the plants. So much fun learning!

Next up tea time for your little princess and lovely Queen. They talk about Grandmother’s English heritage while having girly girl time. Guy time for the King of the Castle and his little prince, so you grab lunch with the little guy. After the two of you walk over to grab a couple of those delectable caramel chocolates you know your wifey will savor later on. She’ll be pleasantly surprised once kiddos are asleep. Good planning you remark to yourself. Bonus points. Yeah, I’m da man.

Then the family gathers together again for a short but delightful carriage ride around the estate before walking over to dinner. You’ve planned and saved for a fancy dinner at one of the many world class restaurants that’s offered in the Antler Village. We recommend the Village Social or the Deer Park restaurant. Amazing service with a wonderful old world ambiance. Great food and wine/beer too!

Following dinner you head back to the Biltmore Estate where you take in the beauty of this home completely decked out for the Christmas Christmas Candlelight tour. Truly stunning! That reminds you of how stunning your wife is looking tonight too. Gosh… “Honey, you are looking stunning tonight,” you say. She smiles, you smile. You and your wife have always appreciated intricate woodworking, elaborate tapestries, fancy Christmas trees and decorations, and this home has it all in abundance! What a sight too for the little people to take in! Wonder and joy fill their little eyes.

Oh and then another great impromptu teaching moment arrives as you get on the elevator. The elevator and it’s history. A good way to introduce some engineering concepts and Mr. Otis, the great American industrialist. Another thing to talk about on the way home, patents and their importance for all the inventions you’ll imagine together. You remembered to pack a couple of books for your little ones to read on the way home that go with this idea. Let’s not forget those at bedtime, you remind yourself.   

The kids are completely worn out from a day of exploring so you head back to the The Grand Bohemian Hotel just outside the estate. You know your wife loves the charming and rustic feel of this hotel. And then there’s the artwork within its walls. Maybe you’ll start a little art collection of your own just like the Vanderbilt family you imagine. This hotel is her favorite and reminiscent of a little European Market at Christmas time. You talk of plans to go to Europe for their Christmas markets once the children are much older. It’ll be a meaningful trip because of her family’s ancestry and roots there. What a time dreaming up even more amazing adventures you’ll take together in the years to come. Things will never get boring, you promise to each other!

You get the munchkins to bed on that pull out bed before heading to the gorgeous bathroom. The kids are asleep so now you can a draw a relaxing bath for you and your bride to enjoy behind closed doors. You remember those caramel chocolates in your coat pocket and set them next to the bubbly bubble bath. While wifey freshens up you make a little love nest on the bathroom floor.  This hotel is quality so of course it has only the most luxurious of bedding to place on the ground. Boys to Men starts playing on your phone, setting the mood, and naturally you begin to make hot passionate love for an entire sixty minutes of marital bliss! Gosh, when was the last time you actually enjoyed sixty full minutes of lovemaking? What a magnificent way to end a fabulous escapee, and kick-off a great holiday season!

 

What I Learned from my 70 year old Grandma about Love, Home Life, and Sex

                    

As a psych undergraduate student I was asked to interview an elderly person for a developmental psychology paper. The point of the assignment was to discuss each part of an elderly person’s life (e.g. cognitive, physical and social domains) at each stage of the lifespan in a retroperspective and reflective way.

 

The lady I picked to interview was my 70 year old Grandma. She had fabulous style and took great pride in the way she looked until the day she passed away. People liked her and found her to be relatable. These are attributes she definitely passed down to her children and grandchildren. She understood and demonstrated an understanding of love that most do not today. Not the quick and easy kind, but the kind of love that you commit to and see it through until your last day on earth even when it’s hard. The committal type of love. She faithfully loved her husband even when he became her ex-husband. She was a devoted mother and faithfully reared ten children even on days when it was pure chaos and she was completely exhausted.  

 

During the interview we talked through each chronological age and stage of life. Eventually we got to the part where she was asked to reflect on her marriage, children and overall satisfaction with personal relationships over her lifespan. She recalled marrying at a younger age in love and adoring her husband. The wedding took place in the Catholic Church and she agreed to submit to his Church’s teachings on how to live life. They started out as newlyweds and honeymooned in the guestroom of her mother-in-law’s place. Not an ideal way to start out, but they continued on in love. Grandma commented that he was a mama’s boy and needed to learn how to cling to his wife instead of his mom. Soon after the honeymoon, she and Grandpa had draw some boundary lines with his mom so they could start living life together as husband and wife, and he could learn to truly be an independent man. Later in life, they made sure his mother was well taken care in old age and made a point of visiting her as often as they could.

 

This Grandma and her young husband didn’t have much especially starting out, but made the most of what they did have. They led a great life demonstrating contentment and trying to see things in a positive light. Grandma carried ten children in her womb and then lovingly rearing them into adulthood. She considered her kids her pride and joy, and her life’s greatest accomplishment. She also enjoyed seeing her husband in the father role and the attention he paid to his children. Hunting with the boys and Western movies and talks with his girls.

He worked hard to provide the family with special live Christmas trees each year, carried on his German tradition of the Christmas village and train, and delighted in seeing their children open gifts on Christmas morning.

 

When their kids were older he would make pieces of wood furniture for his kids and engraved a special message into it. Or he would design and help install a beautiful landscape just for them. It was the meaningful and thoughtful gifts he would make out of love for his kids that he will always be remembered for. He also gave his family the best gift of all, his time. Family picnics brought everyone together. He had a gentle spirit and was a natural at nurturing his children. Patient, kind and loving- those were the attributes she had adored about him.

 

At times things were hard for the family because of the seasonal nature of his job. He was a skilled bricklayer and woodworker/craftsman, and that meant not always having consistent work especially in the harsh winter months. Together they taught their children how to grow fruit trees and vegetables in the garden, and how to properly can it for the winter months. Each of the kids had responsibilities around the home, that’s how they started out learning about having a strong work ethic. That seemed like a value that was important to them as a couple to instill into their children.

 

As the kids were getting older, some of them of getting married and the others still in middle or high school, things started to get really stressful for this couple! For Grandma it was also a time when menopause began, and she experienced some pretty wicked mood swings. A little self-awareness would have been helpful here. The financial stressors on Grandpa were picking up at that time too. They as a couple were caught in middle adulthood. Bodies were changing, beginning to ache or maybe not work as well. They were also trying to get the last of their kids and teenagers to turn into and act like adults, which is not always easy work! It was a time of a lot of fighting between Grandma and Grandpa. No one told them that marital satisfaction tends to be shaped like a horseshoe (U). Things start out great, dip down a bit, but eventually they go back up. Things tend to feel easier once all your kids are independent. Yes, hold on to each other!  

 

Unfortunately forty years in, the romantic love began to fizzle, and he decided it was time for a new lady and not coming home all the time. He had taken up a mistress when life’s stressors mounted and the new women helped ease some of the troubles he was feeling. The new women eased some of his troubles, but also introduced a new slew of problems for he and his wife and his kids. He and his mistress together wrecked the marriage he was in at the time, and destroyed the home life for his children temporarily. Maybe thinking through how his choices would impact not only himself, but also his wife and his family would have been the better decision.

 

The oldest kids in the family were happy to be getting married, moving out and in with their own spouses. Being able to avoid the home that was shattering and the constant battleground. The younger ones also felt the stress of a marriage ending, but were kind of stuck. It was hard on all of their children, being stuck in the middle of their quarreling parents. Quite a heavy load to put on younger hearts and minds.  

 

Grandmother was angered by the Catholic church for allowing their marriage to be annulled. She grew up a Southern Baptist from Kentucky and to her, marriage and her vows meant something. “You can’t just say a marriage never existed after ten kids and that many years together,” she would remark. She recalls converting to “Catholicism” in order to marry into her husband’s family, and later getting “burned” by his Church. I sensed some animosity toward the Catholic church and maybe even a little regret in giving up some of her baptist roots for this man she had married. The Catholic church’s emphasis on the virgin mother, and the special place she held in the church were important she would say. The motherly figure being exalted and adored was the only thing she ever really liked about that church, and midnight mass at Christmas. At the time her Southern Baptist upbringing taught her to be submissive to her husband and to kind of keep her opinions to herself. I’d like to think that Grandpa helped change that in her a bit, he liked an opinionated woman. She would teach him some things she had learned about coming from the Baptist church.   

 

Later in life her ex-husband would say it didn’t matter which Church you were involved in as long as Jesus’s teachings and the Gospel message were being taught. Some of her church values appeared to have rubbed off on him. I like to view it as a beautiful blend of the two Christian faiths. These two seemed to talk about spiritual matters and it impacted the way they tried to live. Biblical principles were the foundation starting out in their marriage, children were a blessing, and family life was central to a happy and full life.

 

But then she would bring up how ending their marriage was the easiest option for her now ex-husband. It sounded like she would have wanted to stay in their marriage if she had any choice in the matter. He was the quitter, threw in the towel and abandoned his wife and family when things got tough. The younger mistress was perceived as more fun, loving and had more energy for his sexual appetite.

 

You could tell by listening that she hadn’t gotten past the failed marriage. Her fault in the marriage she said was that she was a little “high maintenance” and wanted her husband to lavish her in expensive gifts. To him that was probably very unrealistic given the fact that together they decided on having a big family, and that meant money went toward feeding them, supplying them with clothing, food, school materials, and paying a mortgage.  Maybe if they had sat down together as husband and wife to create a life vision and financial plan to begin with, reviewed finances, made decisions together, and set aside discretionary spending so she could buy a new purse once a year at Christmas or that expensive sweater that could have helped them out.

 

Maybe if he would have seeked wise counsel, one of his brothers would have told him to stop complaining, and to see things from his wife’s perspective, she is probably feeling some stress too. If one of his brothers would have guided him and talked to him about how marriages hit rough patches at times, and that’s okay because you work through some things. Or that marriage was supposed to be this long term and forever commitment of making each other better people, but you’ve got to stick it out in order to have it work. But that didn’t happen.

 

So after the annulment this Grandma went back to work full time because she needed to support herself. She was one of the hardest working salespersons, and the # 1 sales person of Vitamix machines for a number of years in a row. Healthy competition was a trait she instilled in her family. You don’t need to backstab, talk bad about, or tear down your competitors, just excel at what you do she would say. She took great pride in her sales accolades and it was probably great for her self-esteem after the annulment. This older, newly singled woman had great relationships with her co-workers, her life was full again and she had work to focus on instead of the dissolved marriage.

 

Reflecting together Grandma stated that she would always love her now ex-husband of over forty years. It was a love that would never fade. She had other men that were definitely interested in a romantic relationship later in life and tried to pursue her, but she wouldn’t even entertain the idea. Grandma would say she married once and those forty years were enough for her to last a lifetime. The vows she took meant something to her even if they didn’t to him. Her ex-husband played a big part in giving her, her life’s most precious gifts (their ten children), they were a husband and wife for over 40 years, and for that she would always be grateful.

 

Then after the emotions of going through the annulment wore off, she seemed to demonstrate how to be respectful of the position he still held in the family as her children’s father. That was a pretty wise move on her part. It took some time getting there, but she knew her kids still needed their dad and they needed the two of them to be amicable. They saw their children equally, but separately. The big family still got together, but at different times with each parent. He seemed to show respect toward her too later on and the position she held as their mother.

 

She felt that the stress of raising ten kids and the financial stressors that went along with it, is what eventually tore their marriage apart. I sensed some sadness in her voice as she commented on this. And then with a chuckle she said, “and he never was a very good lover.” Another good coping skill she passed on to her kids. Being able to laugh at things and cope.

 

I can only guess that maybe he was taker and never a giver. Maybe he was a little selfish instead of sacrificial in his love. Maybe he was interested in his own needs being met first instead of second. Or it just could have been he didn’t know what to do to keep the emotional and physical love life alive for her, and he never initiated that conversation. Maybe she was expecting too much from him to keep their love life alive. Her love language was definitely receiving gifts and perhaps he never caught onto this. He needed words of affirmation and physical affection and perhaps she was only willing to give those after her own needs were met, which didn’t really happen. And then there was the nagging! A tactic she used to try to motivate him to work, but it broke him down instead. The nagging was habitual, instead of being a tool used occasionally, and reserved only for when something urgently needs to get done.

 

And maybe if they had someone point out that men can suffer from depression. He wasn’t being lazy, but probably experienced a couple bouts of clinical depression due to not being able to provide as well as he had hoped for his ten kids. Or if there was education on how hormonal changes could impact his wife after birthing children and/or during menopause. Or if she had education on midlife for him and his fears around losing his sexual ability. A man might wonder if it’s wife or him causing him to experience an only mostly stiffy when previously he could get a full hard-on. He still loves her but can’t get a full erection. That’s when it’s okay for him and/or her to looks at those photos of his wife from her twenties/thirties and forties that he intentionally saved all these years. Or if someone had educated them on that sexual intimacy might look different to both him and her at 25 years old compared to 65. And if they could have laughed together about aging bodies and been okay with those changes.

 

Maybe if the societal norm was different for women at that time, and wives were encouraged to go back to work to help out with finances that could have benefited this marriage. I was left feeling a bit saddened seeing the possibilities of what could have happened if someone had only intervened to help this couple out.

 

Grandmother never did elaborate as to what exactly made him a bad lover, but she just encouraged this young interviewer to speak up and take control of her life. Her encouragement to young ladies was to have some form of financial independence, and get the love and life they wanted. Her only two real regrets after 70 years of life: being married to one man for over forty years, but never having an emotionally/sexually satisfying relationship with him, and the second and biggest to her was having a failed marriage that was supposed to last a lifetime. It mattered to her personally but also for the sake of her family.

 

Ten Life Lessons from a 70 year old Grandma:

  1. Plan ahead and know how many children you can have without the cost of rearing them well becoming a financial and relational burden on your marriage. A crumbling marriage (foundation) is no good for the rest of the house structure.
  2. Despite what any church teaches family planning, birth control and/or vasectomies are beneficial. Family planning and financial planning go together and matter to your marriage in a big way!
  3. The Catholic Church should get rid of the annulment process. You can’t say a marriage of over forty years never happened. Technically it made all of their kids bastards. A whole family tribe turned off to the church by one annulment. Many descendants coming from one line not really going to church anymore. If started out in a church setting together as husband and wife, get back to it. We recommend Passion City Church online because it works for our family currently.
  4. Divorce should be a last resort, but if you decide to go there take a lot of time and seek out wise counsel. Wise counsel should always point you back to your marriage vows, taking a time out if it’s needed, and reconciling matters first. Make sure your wise counsel has a male/female perspective and they are invested in you as a married couple and family. No ulterior motives like that friend who is still single or a new divorcee looking for someone to rebound date with. Or that friend of your wife’s whose Dad’s friend is a divorce attorney. Your wise counsel should love you two as a couple, and want to see you succeed as a couple and as family because they love you.
  5. Think of your kids too. How is your decision going to impact them? Is this temporary and just life stressors? Do you want quick and easy or committal love? If you’re going to separate and divorce, be nice. Your kids are watching. They need to see you being respectful to each other.
  6. Ladies, once your kids are in school go back to work even if it’s part-time. Prince charming doesn’t always stick it out to the end. Some form of financial independence is a good thing. #Slay! And even if your Prince continues to be fabulous you can still help work toward some of that discretionary spending increase.
  7. Show your kids how two adults that love each other can argue/disagree in a respectful way, and then find solutions together. You can love someone and not like that at times, but the love [action verb] is what keeps you two together.
  8. Wives, know husbands can experience depression too. Get an understanding of symptoms and how to it presents differently in men. Also, let him know because you love him, you want to see him better. Work with a therapist and/or psychiatrist to set goals and encourage each other on the pathway to wellness.
  9. Get a basic understanding of female anatomy and how hormonal changes may impact your wife. Her hormones can look like bad weather, it is likely to come at fairly predictable times throughout the year. Pay attention and look for warning signs. Know when to seek shelter 🙂
  10. Ladies, speak up in the bedroom if you’re not satisfied. He won’t know unless you tell him what you need or vice versa. Buy a clit vibrator. It’s a guaranteed orgasm each and every time! It’s fabulous for when you are a tired mom with kids in the home. A real time and marriage saver 🙂

Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Dealing With The Silent Treatment: Insight and a Scenario

Lessons on dealing with the silent treatment: Music Musing: Cold by Maroon 5

The lyrics below are from Cold by Maroon 5….

 

Are we taking time or a timeout?

I can’t take the in between

Asking me for space here in my house

You know how to fuck with me

Acting like we’re not together

After everything that we’ve been through

Sleeping up under the covers

How am I so far away from you?

Distant when we’re kissing

Feel so different

Baby tell me how did you get so

Cold enough to chill my bones

It feels like I don’t know you anymore

I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me

With every breath you breathe

I see there’s something going on

I don’t understand why you’re so cold, yeah

 

Thanks Adam Levine and crew for taking the time to write and sing a song that many people can relate to. Husbands often report experiencing the cold shoulder tactic. It is frustrating, we know. So if you’re left wondering why your lady is doing this and what you can do about it, we are here to try to help ya out.

So what is being cold or giving someone the cold shoulder you ask? Well, it’s deliberately ignoring someone. The person acting in a cold manner withdraws from the relationship and/or intentionally takes away something her spouse wants, her attention. Ladies often do this when they are upset with their spouse, and they are waiting for their husband to recognize they have been hurt by something he has or has not done.

The Cold Shoulder Treatment: A Scenario

Julie and Mark make plans to attend their youngest child’s soccer game together on Saturday afternoon. Julie is looking forward to it because Mark has had some work travel and time away from the family. She normally doesn’t mind Mark’s work travel, but her dad just found out he has to have additional medical testing done after some preliminary results came back positive. Julie is upset because her dad may have an serious medical concern and Mark has been unavailable to talk to her about it. Then Mark’s buddy calls him up and offers him tickets to the MLS that happens to be at the same time as their youngest son’s soccer game on Saturday. Mark tells Julie, “Hey, honey, so and so offered for me to go with him to the MLS game on Saturday. I  told him I could so it’s on you to attend the game on Saturday. Oh and don’t forget it’s our week to bring snacks and a drink.”

So Julie gives Mark the glaring eye and leaves the room. She refuses to speak to him for the next two nights. Any time he tries to get her to talk, she just turns on walks away. The ladies reading this are thinking, how does Mark not know what he has done wrong her?? The guys reading this are thinking, how is Mark suppose to know what he has done wrong if Julie doesn’t tell him.

Problem Solving: Why is she giving me the cold shoulder?

Why does Julie give Mark the cold shoulder her? She is wanting Mark to recognize he’s done some perceived wrong or has hurt her somehow. When Mark notices her being beginning to act cold, he’s going to recognize the behavior by verbally saying, “Hey, I can see that you’re upset, and that’s why you’re withdrawing right now. I’m sorry.” Mark doesn’t have the slightest idea yet why he is apologizing, but that’s the first step. He recognizes her behavior as being cold and without putting blame on her, he just states he can see she is upset and he’s sorry.

Next, you’re going to ask her to help you out. You don’t want her upset. You love her and you want her to help define the problem so together you can think of solutions.

She will love if you are able to analyze the past couple of days and take note of things going well up until a certain point. So if you are Mark you may have noticed she was warm until you mentioned going to the MLS game instead of the kid’s soccer game. You start here…

“Honey bunny, I noticed you seemed upset after I mentioned going to the game with so and so? Normally, you’re cool with that sort of thing. Was it that or was there something else?” questions Mark.  Good job, Mark!  You’re on your way to figuring out why you’re getting the cold shoulder.

Let him out of the dog house… vulnerability is healthy!

Julie, “Yeah, Mark I’m upset because we had planned to go to our son’s game together on Saturday.” Julie throws up her hands and shakes her head. He begins to see her tear up. Now she feels cared for because he noticed her being upset so she can begin to show her real emotions.

Mark asks for more, “So you’re upset because we aren’t going to the game together on Saturday? So and so did offer tickets. I haven’t seen him in a few months and we’re going to talk about a potential client while there. Maybe I should have asked you first. I know I’ve had a bit of travel lately.”

Julie still gives short responses, “Yeah you should have. I haven’t even been able to talk to you.” She begins to cry.

He thinks of when her menstrual cycle should begin. Nope not this week, so he continues to listen. There must be more going on. “Julie, what else is going on?”

Critical thinking moment: Mark knows that Julie isn’t the type to engage in “silent treatment manipulation” or using the cold shoulder to get what she wants.  His intuition also lets him know that this seems a little more than just being upset about the soccer game.  Thinking like this about your spouse and understanding their behavior can be very helpful in a relationship. It can also help you when dealing with the silent treatment so you can analyze what’s going on.

Dealing with the silent treatment: Patience, empathy, and listening

“My dad got his preliminary test results back and now they need to send him for more. It doesn’t sound very good. I’m just upset about that. Plus, we haven’t been able to talk about it. The kids have been busy with school and sports. I was really looking forward to the car ride with you. That would have been our only real time to talk over the last couple of weeks. I’m feeling disappointed and yes, I wish you would have asked me first,” Julie explains.

“Thanks for explaining that,” Mark states. “Now it makes sense to me why you were ignoring me. You were feeling hurt. How about  I call so and so and tell him I can’t go on Saturday. I want to go with you because that’s what I said I would do. We do need that time together because things have been busy.”

Julie says, “Thank you. And if you need to reschedule something with so and so to talk about that client how about next Tuesday when you’ve been home and while I’m talking so and so to practice?”

   Guys just recognize the behavior, and think through dealing with the silent treatment.  Then draw out of her what’s really going on. Hopefully you now understand a little bit more of why women act cold, how to recognize it, and what to do to communicate effectively so your relationships gets back to normal as soon as possible.  You love one another, learn effective communication!

Most Lifelike Dildo: The Vixen Bandit!

We have crowned the most lifelike dildo of them all!  The Vixen Bandit!  He’s the winner!  If you’re looking for a well-endowed dildo that feels like the real thing, if not a little larger (and better) than real life, then this is the one to get!  Check out all the details below!

Most Lifelike Dildo: Perfect texture!

Flexible dildo! Mostly stiffy!Check out the pictures here! This dildo has it all.  First of all, the dual-density VixSkin material is pretty wonderful and realistic.  Check out the flex though: it’s a mostly-stiffy!  The core isn’t a rock solid hard-on, but more of a flexible boner.  This helps with the larger size of this dildo.  It is a little longer than the average penis, so the softer core won’t feel like it’s poking your cervix.  The head has a full half-inch of the softer outer material, so it cushions if you happen to “bottom out.”

 

Hairbands! Ouch! It's okay, it's not real...Wow, look at that cushion for the pushing!Also, check out the hair bands wrapped around this wonderous provider of satisfaction and stimulation. Those hair bands are fairly tight and you can see that they cause some indentation in the outer core. But they don’t squeeze halfway into the dildo. This is pretty funny, but I had my husband also perform the same wrapping with the hair bands while he had a hard on. The result was approximately the same give. That’s one key factor that makes the Bandit the most lifelike dildo – the outer skin and head are both amazingly lifelike.

 

Most Lifelike Dildo: Perfect size!

Slight upward curve!Look out below!He's long and strong!Look at that girth!
Well would you take a look at this beauty! In comparison to the Lelo Mona 2, it looks pretty large. Actually the girth is only slightly larger at the head than the Lelo Mona 2 at the head.  However, the base of  the Vixen Bandit gets a little more girthy as it goes down, so the base is pretty wide and wonderful.
Here are the “official specs”:

  • Length: 7.25 inches
  • Girth: 1.75 inches
  • Shape: Amazing

I’ll be honest – because the balls are so small, this dildo looks a little intimidating when it first shows up in the packaging. But when you take it out it’s so exciting that it feels just like a large penis in your hands!  I couldn’t stop shaking it and playing with it!

 

Okay, it looks great. But how lifelike does this dildo feel???

Wow!  Okay, I’ll admit, I was a little intimidated, but excited for my first time using the Bandit.  I had never held a dildo that felt just so amazing in my hands!  Plus, let’s face it – it was time to try something new. I’ll go into a little more detail in this description than I normally do, just because you need to understand just how wonderful and lifelike this dildo is.

How to properly warm up for a real penis or the most lifelike dildo ever

First, my husband and I set the mood.  First, a nice bubble bath all by myself (he set it up, got the temperature right, set up just two candles and some relaxing but sexy music – think Beyonce, Dance for You).  I took a shower first and shaved my legs and lady parts, then had my soak in the tub.  Then after drying off, he gave me a full body massage with some coconut oil and our Hitachi Magic Wand.  Then after warming up on externally on my clitoris and internally just a little with my wonderful Lelo Mona 2, and making sure the Vixen Bandit was lubed up with just a little coconut oil, I started gently letting just the head press against the opening while I used the Mona 2 on my clitoris.

Why do I into such detail?  Well, first of all, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about trying a new sex toy for the first time.  You might not be in the proper mood, or you might be a little too excited and not properly relaxed.  You should always take your time and enjoy the foreplay, even if you’re playing by yourself!

Enjoy the feeling and lose yourself!

Now, where were we?  Oh, yes.  The head.  It took about 30 seconds of gentle pressure – for which I’m grateful for the flexibility and softness of the head – but then I let out a moan of pleasure when it went in!  IT IS SO NICE!  The texture is perfect – just the right amount of friction.  And the girth is completely wonderful.  After this, I restrained myself and slowly inserted it until it seemed the girth of the base was getting to be a little much at the opening.  I felt how much I had left to go, and could tell that there was still another 2 or 3 inches left!  This Vixen Bandit is an exciting challenge.

Then it’s very gentle, pleasurable thrusting time.  Slow at first, then picking up the pace.  Then joining in the beat with the music!  I think Nicki Minaj, Feeling Myself was playing, which was very appropriate at the time!  In any case, I realized at one point that even though I’m not a moaner, I couldn’t help express the pleasure verbally and started biting the pillow!  I also realized that the whole dildo was easily sliding in and out now, and the girth of the base felt fantastic!  I had lost track of the Mona 2 on my clitoris, but after another 5 to 10 minutes of thrusting, I decided to add that fantastic clitoral vibratior to the mix, and then I was no longer able to restrain myself from orgasming any further!

And to top it off – I had never done thing before, I promise – I suddenly felt a gush of liquid so that I had to pull out the Bandit!  Yes, the Vixen Bandit made me “squirt” for the very first time!  I didn’t think this was a real thing before now, but I had a large wet area on the bed!  Unbelievable.  I say this is the most lifelike dildo, but I think it’s better than real life.

Not Amazing Packaging for this “Package”!

No, the packaging isn’t amazing.  But it’s not complex either.The most lifelike dildo ever comes in the most boring package ever  You don’t need scissors and a welding torch to open it.  The box it comes in is just a plain cardboard box, and the shipping address was something very generic.  You’re not getting a package from “Dildos, Inc.”

But honestly, who cares!  This dildo is amazing!  I don’t say that about every sex toy we review here.  If you’re shopping for a dildo, do yourself a favor and buy this one.  I don’t think you’ll ever need another.

A HUGE THANKS to our friends at Vixen Creations for creating the most lifelike dildo ever, but also a huge thanks for sending us one for this review.  The sales team there is fantastic and incredibly responsive!  If you want to buy one direct from them, here’s the link to the Vixen Bandit.  However, it’s about $50 less expensive on Amazon here with three different varieties to choose from:

“Take me home! Make love to me! You won’t regret it!!! Get one for your best friend too!  I make a great stocking stuffer, balls out!”

How to Shave Your Vagina Without Razorburn

How to shave your vaginaAt Women and Sexuality, we don’t just want to focus on sex sex sex… It’s almost March and you know what that means!  No, not March Madness – who cares about that.  I mean bikini season!  Or at least bathing suit season, not necessarily bikini season for some of us.  Now, whether you like it or not, summer brings fewer and fewer clothes.  And going to the pool!  Especially if you have kids!  And if you’re going to the pool, you’re going to want to remove more of that bush you’ve been using as a winter blanket.  But one of the things that keeps us from going totally bare down there is the fear of razorburn!!!  So, this tutorial is to help you know how to shave your vagina without getting razorburn!
how to shave your vagina - bad shaving

Tip 1 of 2: How to shave your vagina: Do not start with a lather of shaving cream!

So the first thing you do is to hop in the shower, get it real steamy, and head right for the shaving cream, right?  Wrong!  Yep.  I don’t start with shaving cream all over the place.  Here’s why:

  1. Shaving cream gets bulky and obstructs the view of your work!
  2. It washes off easily, leaving you no protection!
  3. It doesn’t help prevent razor burn.

Shaving cream is better than nothing, though!  Do not try shaving your vagina without some lubricant to help the blades glide smoothly over the skin!

 

 

But what should I use, then?

Okay, this article wasn’t just to tell you what not to do but also tell you how to shave your vagina.  This may sound odd, but trust me.  Get a little coconut oil.  REALLY.  Not vegetable oil, not soybean oil, not massage oil.  Get some coconut oil.  It’s inexpensive – get some on Amazon.  Get this one – the bottle will last you for months because you only need a little at a time:

Now, we’re pretty big fans of Coconut oil here at Women and Sexuality.  We have written about it’s benefits here:

6 Reasons to Use Coconut Oil as Lube and as Massage Oil

and here:

Is Coconut Oil Safe for your Vagina?

but hear me out here on why to use it for shaving.  What doesn’t dissolve in water like shaving cream???  That’s right – oil.  So when you apply some coconut oil all around your vagina and all through the hair, it forms a small barrier between the blades and the skin while lubricating so the blades slide smoothly.  If you really want to, go ahead and apply a thin layer of shaving cream on top of the coconut oil.  It’s a little overkill, but you’ll feel in your safe zone again.

Also, when you’re done showering, you’ll still be silky smooth down below!
vagina illustration - driection to shave

Tip 2 of 2: How to shave your vagina: Shave with the grain!

Even though this is the most important tip around how to shave your vagina, it comes second.  DO NOT START AT THE TOP OF YOUR VAGINA AND SHAVE UP!  Really.  And do not start at your labia and shave out toward your leg!

hair follicle

Here’s the thing: generally your pubic hair starts at the follicle and grows toward your vagina.  Then it gets all curly and bushy like a 70’s disco band.  But before it goes all bell bottoms on you, typically it starts growing toward your vagina to protect it and keep it cozy and warm.

Now, razorburn is actually when the razor blade comes in contact with the skin, meets hair at the follicle, and rips the skin along with the hair.  Check out the hair follicle image.  Notice the hair doesn’t just grow straight out from the skin!  You want to shave in the same direction as the hair is growing!  Guys have known this for years.  Hair on their faces grows down, while hair on their necks generally grows up.  So they shave down on their face and up on their necks!  So why are all us ladies shaving against the way the hair grows on our vaginas!?!

Bonus tip!

Your leg hair is typically not as thick as your public hair.  So you might not have an issue with razorburn on your legs.  But, if you do, try shaving down your leg, not up!  Your leg hair typically grows down toward your feet, so shave in the same direction if you’re getting razorburn, even with a new razor!